I have so much to say, so very much. I just don't feel like blogging lately. Sigh. I'll get back to it at some point. Working on something big, internally.

We are purposefully having a slow summer, so I'm having lots of time to think and reflect and write (my favorite thing to do). I just don't feel like blogging it all right now. Not sure why!

Here's a great song though, that's going along nicely with the book I can't put down...One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

I know it's been months

It's been months since I've updated. Guess what? SO much has gone on that I have absolutely no way of catching up or even writing anything of importance.

I will say this.

We've found ourselves in a huge predicament. Surprised? You shouldn't be. Here's why.

I sat up for hours last night, reading old notes going all the way back to 5th or 6th grade. Come to find out, I have lived a life of drama! Drama tends to find me, no matter if I seek it out (like the growing up years) or if it seeks me out (as in my adult years).

At any rate, we have some drama. Thankfully, NOT relationship drama. But financial drama, which is worse, in a different way.

So, if you think of me (if you're one of the maybe 2 people who actually read my blog) please pray for us. We are facing the 2nd worse financial crisis we've ever been in and staying faithful is hard.

Pursuit

I have been thinking about pursuit lately. Pursing. Being pursued. Waiting on pursuit. Something sparked this in me, but it is an idea that's been on my mind for awhile now, like the last year or so.

Here's the story, the history behind this idea of pursuit. When I was a little girl, growing up without a father created in me a feeling of rejection that rooted itself very deeply in my soul. I had very little understanding of why he was absent, or why I wasn't enough to make him want to change the way he was so he could be with me. I also dealt with a lot of rejection from my mom, albeit un-purposefully. Being a single mom isn't easy. Even when she thought she found her life partner, it would have been easier if he wanted me in their life. He didn't...which led me to more feelings of rejection.

Being fat growing up didn't help either. I got rejected over that a lot. By the time I lost weight, around age 12, boys started to notice me more, yet I was still rejected more often than not, usually for my best friend at the moment. And let's be honest...a fat girl never really is released from that feeling of being the fat girl.

At age 18, I finally found God again, although I'd technically been a believer since I was 5. The church I started attending didn't really foster a healthy environment for a person like me. I often was encouraged in different ways to change, because God could only love me if I tried harder or changed who I was, if I fit a certain mold. It always seemed to be about making myself acceptable and meeting the expectations of other people. Not God.

So the whole idea of pursuit is so foreign to me. I have ALWAYS been the pursuer in most of my relationships. I always wanted a dad; I always wanted more of my mom than she could give me; I always went after the boy; always been the date asker; I have never been recruited for a job or special position; rarely was the invitee but always the inviter (even as an adult, with all of the friends I have, we rarely get invited to dinner at someone house, or out with friends, unless we initiate it.); and most accomplishments I have are because I went after them and didn't give up. Some of you who know me have told me that you see me as very dynamic, very popular, very loved. I think my personality has developed in a way so as to appear included or pursued, but rarely am I the included or pursued person. So, I've been grappling with this in numerous ways lately.

I found myself in a situation a while back, in which someone was actively pursuing me for a friendship, and I didn't turn away from it even though I knew it wasn't a road God intended for me to travel. But that feeling of being wanted was so prevalent, so all consuming, that I didn't say no. What I took away from that friendship, once it cooled down and lost it's excitement of being new, was that I have this gaping hole in my heart that's gasping to be filled with being wanted. Being seen. Being included. This pseudo-only child (I have half and step siblings, yet am essentially an only child) wants so badly to be part of a group, and I basically have never had one. I find myself jealous of people from growing up years who were part of a large group of friends, or jealous of church friends who have known each other their whole lives and spend lots of time together; or even newer friends who invite a few families over for a bbq and fire in the backyard...that has never been us. Ever. I can even think back to weddings I was in, where all the bridesmaids and even wives/girlfriends of groomsmen, got together to work on wedding stuff...but one bridesmaid was left out. College group game nights, planned on the fly, where everyone from the group was invited but us. Book clubs that include all my friends that I talk to on a regular basis, except I'm not invited to the book club. If someone is going to be left out or forgotten, it will be me and Teddy (and sadly, this seems to be now happening to my children more and more). And that point, I start to wonder...is it a lack of being pursued, or active rejection? And if so, what is wrong with me that I have been rejected my whole life? And is there a difference between not pursuing and rejecting? And maybe the message I've been given most of my life is true...in order to be loved, I have to change.

So, am I writing this because of sour grapes or wanting someone to feel sorry for me? Yes.

Just kidding. No, I'm writing this because I'm a verbal processor, and I'm more transparent than I know what to do with, and I am thinking hard on this idea of pursuit. I know God pursues me, the Bible tells me so. But it's hard to understand that or accept than, in light of my typical situation. So, I'm just wondering what God is trying to teach me about being pursued, and wanting to be able to recognize it in my everyday life. I am also pondering the whole idea of waiting, instead of being a pursuer. I've been actively practicing waiting on the Lord for a few years now, and it has been a good practice, but I'm trying to reconcile that with the desperate need for pursuit. I'm also thinking on the fact that all of us have this desire to be pursued, so what is it in me that makes me either need it more, or makes me more reject-able?

This is what I ponder, as I wait for sleep to find me.

Happy Birthday to Teddy, part 2

I know it's been awhile since I posted, and I've been so busy that the only reason I'm doing it now is because I already wrote part 1, so I HAD to write part 2 of Teddy's birthday weekend really has nothing to do with Teddy at all!!!

First of all, Friday night, we were watching a movie and eating a pizza around 10pm, when suddenly our front door of the hotel room opens and in walks an innocent intruder. Apparently, our hotel had "forgotten" that room 4433 was already booked, and they assigned our room to someone else! Truth be told, I'd rather be the intruded upon party than the intruder, how embarrassing (and it's a good thing we weren't doing anything embarrassing on the couch when they walked in!) Needless to say, that night I didn't sleep well, wondering what other kinds of mistakes this hotel could make.

The next morning, after making a great big breakfast for Teddy, I jumped in the shower. I briefly thought I should turn my phone up, but I was on vacation right?

Well, I'm finishing up in the shower and Teddy comes in. The front desk had called (which wasn't new, they'd been calling all morning for the OTHER couple they booked into our room...apparently they didn't understand that the Williams family was NOT in room 4433 no matter how often we told them). Anyway, the front desk called with a phone call from my mom, who was watching our kids. She was at the hospital with Madeleine, who had passed out at CYT rehearsal and hit her head on the piano!!! What the heck?


Over the next few hours, and many, many phone calls to lots of different people, we were filled in with all the details. Apparently, she felt like she was going to faint while standing around the piano, passed out, then thumped her head on the piano and landed on the floor. She needed 10 stitches, 2 on the inside of the cut and 8 on the outside. Because of the generosity and compassion of many people, Teddy and I didn't feel the need to cut our trip short. We wanted to be there, but also so badly needed this time together. If Madeleine were in different hands or not handling it well, we would have gone home immediately. But she was actually doing very well.


So, now that it's about 2 weeks later and she's healing up well, we are still in the process of finding out why she fainted. Over this past summer, she had a whole bunch of tests run to find out why she feels faint, but the ER doctor was concerned that it's now progressed to actual fainting. She's only felt lightheaded once since then, and it was during dance class so it made a little more sense than just standing around a piano (not even singing or locking her legs!)

I also need to thank my Mom for taking such good care of her while we were gone; to Mary Head for staying with her at rehearsal AND the entire hospital stay AND at home for quite a few hours; to Kiana Ryan for coming over to hang with her even though you had a busy family night; to Annette Martin for taking care of Ben and Sophia while Madeleine was in the hospital; to Jamie Julian, Cherry Wilson, Courtney Rice, and Kristi Foster for great care while passed out and laying on the floor at rehearsal; Doug Webster, Justin Parks, and Lynette Carver for good leadership at rehearsal; to the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang cast for all the prayer and concern for Madeleine (it made a difference!); and to God for loving my baby girl more than I'll ever understand and for making a very stressful situation seem not so bad.

Now, we just need to get rid of the scar!!

Happy Birthday to Teddy, part 1

My wonderfully loyal and hardworking husband turned 37 this past Thursday. Isn't it funny how once we pass age 25 or 30, birthdays just don't matter anymore? But we did what we could to make it special. The kids had CYT classes and couldn't miss them, so Teddy's parents took the two of us out to dinner. We went to Red Lobster and Teddy had a great meal. After CYT, he and I took the kids to YoLicious to get frozen yogurt, and he got to choose as much as he wanted with as many toppings as possible! We also got him a few clothing items for the big day.

The big present, though, was a wonderful weekend away for the two of us, courtesy of my Mom. She let us use her timeshare, and also watched the kids. Teddy's mom and dad gave us some dough, and that coupled with the money from my mom for his birthday, enabled us to have a fun weekend just hanging out.


We visited Hug Point, just past Cannon Beach, and we walked on the beach at Manzanita. We ate out a little, we cooked a little, we walked around Seaside a little. We really didn't do anything at all, and didn't think anything about what we should be doing. It was very fun!

Love you dear hubs!!! So very much!

A belated happy birthday

I can't believe that my favorite (only) son Benjamin turned 10 this month and I completely put off writing him a special blog post!!! Goodness, it's like I've been focused on ME and all MY problems lately! Sigh...

So, to my little boy who's not so little anymore...our journey this past decade has not been an easy one. As I reminisce over it, the thought occurs to me that those of us who have rough journeys often see bigger blessings at the end. But let's not start there.

Let's start at the beginning, when you were one of the biggest babies ever born at that time in the SWMC FBC. Ten pounds, eleven ounces and 21-1/2 inches. WOWZA!! Good thing I didn't push you out!!! You were such a content, mild mannered baby, although you often had a worried look on your face (a pre-cursor to your later years, where you lay in bed for HOURS, just thinking). When you turned one, the dynamics of your personality (mixed with the fact that you are a boy, after all) began to show through. Thus begun our up and down journey!!! Good thing Mommy was entirely in love with you, which has made it entirely impossible for me to ever give up on you even in your times of trouble!! AND lucky for Mommy, you are entirely in love with me and don't give up on ME when I make huge mistakes and fail at providing a good example for you.

Just like your best friend Mimi is emotionally very similar to Daddy, you are emotionally very much like Mommy. They are stuffers, we are exploders (or "sharers", if we're trying to describe ourselves more gently). They breath deep, we slam yell and talk back. They take a walk, we slam a door. They get mad then calm down, we cry and cry for hours. The positive in that is that they love loyally and we love deeply...it's a good pairing! :) And then your other BFF Soph? We haven't figured her out yet, but the two of you sure do laugh a lot together.

Some people might wonder why I would speak of things that seem so dark, when I'm celebrating your 10th birthday? But remember that promise I made you years ago (probably not, so I'll remind you)...I will never lie to you or sugar coat life for you. I will always present the truth to you as gently and honestly as I can, while protecting you as long as I can and as best I can from growing up too fast. So, the truth of our relationship is it has been loving yet unlikeable; loyal yet hurtful; fun yet imperfect; joyful yet scary....but I would not ever trade any of it for a different son than I have in you. You have my heart, little man, and you always will.

Your soft heart for the sad things in this world inspires me to be a better person; your belly laugh and quick wit encourages me to always look on the bright side of life; your forgiving heart and deep thinking mind challenges me to always look for truth in the world; and your love and understanding of Jesus keeps me holding on in those darkest hours of doubt and pain. You will never know how much you've changed my life and my heart. I'm so glad I am your Mom!!!

Happy 10th birthday Bugaboo!!!

And just for you, dear Ben....our song! :) I love that you tear up when you hear this song.

The heart of winter

The other day I was commenting to my son that we never really had a summer. I mean, it got hot like maybe 5 days and the rest of the season was so mild. Enter into autumn and we never really had an autumn. Nothing about these two seasons was extreme at all. Here we are at winter, and people are wearing shorts and flip-flops some days. I know, not too weird here in the NW, but still...we were supposed to have the worst winter ever this year and so far it's not been extreme in any way. Well, on the drive home, I got to thinking about people who crave sunshine or warm weather, especially when it's so cold and dreary out. Right in that moment, I didn't crave it. I don't hate the NW rain and lack of sunshine, I've never been too bothered by it. Although as I've aged, it's gotten harder. But on this particular day, I really, really didn't want the sun. I so deeply craved a full on, extreme winter and was feeling ripped offthat we may have gotten through it with no big storms or cold fronts. This led to me thinking that maybe all these "mild" seasons are only considered mild because of comparison and expectation, based on the season before, and that it kind of goes along with the idea that without the sour then the sweet just ain't as sweet!! That led me to start thinking about the winters of our lives. Without the winters in our lives, the summers, springs and falls aren't so sweet. We enter into the easy times of our lives with expectation or comparison to other times, and when they don't measure up or when they measure up poorly, then everything loses it vibrancy.

I then thought that the past few years, when I've been spiritually dry and really searching on my journey, that this is my winter. I've been in the heart of winter. My deep longings are to open up and bloom, to let beauty fall forth, to show growth and abundance...just like the blooms of spring and summer. YET...at that same time, I'm holding on tightly to this season. I don't want to let go, and I am 99% sure it's for a sinful reason. That I want to hold onto this "poor me" time and not move on, despite the yearnings of my soul. Just like, as much as I'm anticipating spring so I can clean up our yard and spring clean and wear less layers...I am holding tightly to winter, trying to let it have its full say and run its course, so upon arrival of spring, I can fully say farewell to winter without holding onto it at all.

These are the things that I think about while driving. Deep thoughts, they are...so pray you don't share the same road as I, in case I find myself too distracted!