Monday, May 17, 2010

Oh it's been so very long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! So so much has happened since my last post. Sophia nearly died, she just turned 7, we just moved, Teddy's job almost disappeared and still might, we've had more CYT shows, I've lost 26 lbs with 75 more to go...lots has happened. But, I'm up at 2am not because so much has happened and I need to write about it; rather, it's because I can't sleep. My heart is hurting and I have to write it out.

So, I've taken a sabbatical from church. Losing weight seems to have unearthed some hurts in me that I thought were taken care of, but actually were much deeper than originally thought. I can't go too in depth on sharing these hurts, as I am not sure who will read this that may have been involved in the situations. But boy oh boy, tonight is one of those nights where if I could cut out every single person in my life related to the situations that hurt me or even related to the people related to the situation, I would. Unfortunately, I'd have to cut out people that shouldn't be cut out, like husband. That wouldn't do at all.

I'm just really, really struggling with separating God from His people. I'm not understanding the actions of people who are supposed to be Christ like. I'm not understanding the church. I'm feeling so angry and so hurt, so regretful that I can't take back a period of time I feel was stolen from me. And I'm feeling alone in this, like other people don't understand and don't want to understand. Like I should just get over stuff. But right now, all I can do is shut out God and stop going to church, because anything else makes me feel so angry I fear I might leave these things forever.

For those of you questioning my faith, please don't. I still love Jesus. I still worship God and marvel at His creation, and still trust that the Bible is true. I still am actively seeking His truth and His healing, and still pray that my children will have as much or more faith than I do. But I'm hurting, so deeply. And questioning the value in the last 15 years, and wondering about the purpose in church and wanting to know why my non-Christian or non-church friends are often more considerate or kind than my other ones.