I have been thinking about pursuit lately. Pursing. Being pursued. Waiting on pursuit. Something sparked this in me, but it is an idea that's been on my mind for awhile now, like the last year or so.
Here's the story, the history behind this idea of pursuit. When I was a little girl, growing up without a father created in me a feeling of rejection that rooted itself very deeply in my soul. I had very little understanding of why he was absent, or why I wasn't enough to make him want to change the way he was so he could be with me. I also dealt with a lot of rejection from my mom, albeit un-purposefully. Being a single mom isn't easy. Even when she thought she found her life partner, it would have been easier if he wanted me in their life. He didn't...which led me to more feelings of rejection.
Being fat growing up didn't help either. I got rejected over that a lot. By the time I lost weight, around age 12, boys started to notice me more, yet I was still rejected more often than not, usually for my best friend at the moment. And let's be honest...a fat girl never really is released from that feeling of being the fat girl.
At age 18, I finally found God again, although I'd technically been a believer since I was 5. The church I started attending didn't really foster a healthy environment for a person like me. I often was encouraged in different ways to change, because God could only love me if I tried harder or changed who I was, if I fit a certain mold. It always seemed to be about making myself acceptable and meeting the expectations of other people. Not God.
So the whole idea of pursuit is so foreign to me. I have ALWAYS been the pursuer in most of my relationships. I always wanted a dad; I always wanted more of my mom than she could give me; I always went after the boy; always been the date asker; I have never been recruited for a job or special position; rarely was the invitee but always the inviter (even as an adult, with all of the friends I have, we rarely get invited to dinner at someone house, or out with friends, unless we initiate it.); and most accomplishments I have are because I went after them and didn't give up. Some of you who know me have told me that you see me as very dynamic, very popular, very loved. I think my personality has developed in a way so as to appear included or pursued, but rarely am I the included or pursued person. So, I've been grappling with this in numerous ways lately.
I found myself in a situation a while back, in which someone was actively pursuing me for a friendship, and I didn't turn away from it even though I knew it wasn't a road God intended for me to travel. But that feeling of being wanted was so prevalent, so all consuming, that I didn't say no. What I took away from that friendship, once it cooled down and lost it's excitement of being new, was that I have this gaping hole in my heart that's gasping to be filled with being wanted. Being seen. Being included. This pseudo-only child (I have half and step siblings, yet am essentially an only child) wants so badly to be part of a group, and I basically have never had one. I find myself jealous of people from growing up years who were part of a large group of friends, or jealous of church friends who have known each other their whole lives and spend lots of time together; or even newer friends who invite a few families over for a bbq and fire in the backyard...that has never been us. Ever. I can even think back to weddings I was in, where all the bridesmaids and even wives/girlfriends of groomsmen, got together to work on wedding stuff...but one bridesmaid was left out. College group game nights, planned on the fly, where everyone from the group was invited but us. Book clubs that include all my friends that I talk to on a regular basis, except I'm not invited to the book club. If someone is going to be left out or forgotten, it will be me and Teddy (and sadly, this seems to be now happening to my children more and more). And that point, I start to wonder...is it a lack of being pursued, or active rejection? And if so, what is wrong with me that I have been rejected my whole life? And is there a difference between not pursuing and rejecting? And maybe the message I've been given most of my life is true...in order to be loved, I have to change.
So, am I writing this because of sour grapes or wanting someone to feel sorry for me? Yes.
Just kidding. No, I'm writing this because I'm a verbal processor, and I'm more transparent than I know what to do with, and I am thinking hard on this idea of pursuit. I know God pursues me, the Bible tells me so. But it's hard to understand that or accept than, in light of my typical situation. So, I'm just wondering what God is trying to teach me about being pursued, and wanting to be able to recognize it in my everyday life. I am also pondering the whole idea of waiting, instead of being a pursuer. I've been actively practicing waiting on the Lord for a few years now, and it has been a good practice, but I'm trying to reconcile that with the desperate need for pursuit. I'm also thinking on the fact that all of us have this desire to be pursued, so what is it in me that makes me either need it more, or makes me more reject-able?
This is what I ponder, as I wait for sleep to find me.
Here's the story, the history behind this idea of pursuit. When I was a little girl, growing up without a father created in me a feeling of rejection that rooted itself very deeply in my soul. I had very little understanding of why he was absent, or why I wasn't enough to make him want to change the way he was so he could be with me. I also dealt with a lot of rejection from my mom, albeit un-purposefully. Being a single mom isn't easy. Even when she thought she found her life partner, it would have been easier if he wanted me in their life. He didn't...which led me to more feelings of rejection.
Being fat growing up didn't help either. I got rejected over that a lot. By the time I lost weight, around age 12, boys started to notice me more, yet I was still rejected more often than not, usually for my best friend at the moment. And let's be honest...a fat girl never really is released from that feeling of being the fat girl.
At age 18, I finally found God again, although I'd technically been a believer since I was 5. The church I started attending didn't really foster a healthy environment for a person like me. I often was encouraged in different ways to change, because God could only love me if I tried harder or changed who I was, if I fit a certain mold. It always seemed to be about making myself acceptable and meeting the expectations of other people. Not God.
So the whole idea of pursuit is so foreign to me. I have ALWAYS been the pursuer in most of my relationships. I always wanted a dad; I always wanted more of my mom than she could give me; I always went after the boy; always been the date asker; I have never been recruited for a job or special position; rarely was the invitee but always the inviter (even as an adult, with all of the friends I have, we rarely get invited to dinner at someone house, or out with friends, unless we initiate it.); and most accomplishments I have are because I went after them and didn't give up. Some of you who know me have told me that you see me as very dynamic, very popular, very loved. I think my personality has developed in a way so as to appear included or pursued, but rarely am I the included or pursued person. So, I've been grappling with this in numerous ways lately.
I found myself in a situation a while back, in which someone was actively pursuing me for a friendship, and I didn't turn away from it even though I knew it wasn't a road God intended for me to travel. But that feeling of being wanted was so prevalent, so all consuming, that I didn't say no. What I took away from that friendship, once it cooled down and lost it's excitement of being new, was that I have this gaping hole in my heart that's gasping to be filled with being wanted. Being seen. Being included. This pseudo-only child (I have half and step siblings, yet am essentially an only child) wants so badly to be part of a group, and I basically have never had one. I find myself jealous of people from growing up years who were part of a large group of friends, or jealous of church friends who have known each other their whole lives and spend lots of time together; or even newer friends who invite a few families over for a bbq and fire in the backyard...that has never been us. Ever. I can even think back to weddings I was in, where all the bridesmaids and even wives/girlfriends of groomsmen, got together to work on wedding stuff...but one bridesmaid was left out. College group game nights, planned on the fly, where everyone from the group was invited but us. Book clubs that include all my friends that I talk to on a regular basis, except I'm not invited to the book club. If someone is going to be left out or forgotten, it will be me and Teddy (and sadly, this seems to be now happening to my children more and more). And that point, I start to wonder...is it a lack of being pursued, or active rejection? And if so, what is wrong with me that I have been rejected my whole life? And is there a difference between not pursuing and rejecting? And maybe the message I've been given most of my life is true...in order to be loved, I have to change.
So, am I writing this because of sour grapes or wanting someone to feel sorry for me? Yes.
Just kidding. No, I'm writing this because I'm a verbal processor, and I'm more transparent than I know what to do with, and I am thinking hard on this idea of pursuit. I know God pursues me, the Bible tells me so. But it's hard to understand that or accept than, in light of my typical situation. So, I'm just wondering what God is trying to teach me about being pursued, and wanting to be able to recognize it in my everyday life. I am also pondering the whole idea of waiting, instead of being a pursuer. I've been actively practicing waiting on the Lord for a few years now, and it has been a good practice, but I'm trying to reconcile that with the desperate need for pursuit. I'm also thinking on the fact that all of us have this desire to be pursued, so what is it in me that makes me either need it more, or makes me more reject-able?
This is what I ponder, as I wait for sleep to find me.
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