So I'm laying this out here right now, as it's a worry we've had for awhile and I could use some prayer. Please only comment if you really have some encouraging words or good advice to give, as I cannot take much more hurt right now.
We have a domino effect of problems happening in our lives right now, all starting back at the point that we bought this house in May. Although we're settled (as in, our home is messy and lived in), it still doesn't feel like home. There's a few reasons why, but for tonight's purpose, I'll leave it at that. So, we don't ever feel at home. Layer that with some severe financial stress we're facing. We're always facing money troubles, as I am terrible with finances and Teddy won't touch them. It's all my responsibility, and I suck at it. Just when we get a plan and get a fresh start, we mess it up again. This time, it's so messed up, we're looking at desperate measures. So, at this point, past doubts and struggles with homeschooling enter in. While school's been going better and we've been a bit more consistent, I am deluged daily with the knowledge that my children are behind where they could be (not should be, but could be according to their skill and potential and where I want them); that the character building and closeness to God is not happening; that I am possibly doing more damage than good in keeping them home, as my present mood has not been nurturing or patient. Yes, I know these could be lies, but I've really examined myself and I don't think they are. My oldest wants to try a school so bad, but won't say that too loudly in order not too hurt my feelings, and my two youngest don't ever want to try a school. At this point, our money problems enter in again. I am possibly needing to go back to work in order to help dig us out of trouble. Most jobs that I am qualified for (basically none since I haven't truly worked in 11 years) are during the day, or at least need you to say you're available during the day. We've been talking with a private Christian school about financial aid and registration. I've been looking at public school, and if I put them in, where would it be and would I want to do a boundary exception. Enter in the final straw...our marriage is facing some difficulties. I will not give details, and implore those of you who are close to us to please not panic and think the end is near for us. That is not the case. But, our marriage is straining under these present difficulties, and I can no longer handle the silence or the harsh words between us. I thus far have not proven to be the kind of homeschooling mom that can school the kids, clean the house, make dinner, handle the money, do taxi and volunteer service, and be a wife and maybe find time for my interests once in a while. The fact that I cannot do all these things is creating a domino effect around here. I am failing at life and something has to go. My husband has made the comment that if the kids were in school, I might find more time to actually take care of him and the house, as well as maybe work part time. And I'm still dealing with small bouts of depression, which affect my motivation, and we all know the first thing to go when we lose motivation is our housework and meals! So, if any of my homeschooling momma friends are out there, you got any suggestions? What do you do when you feel like homeschooling is ruining your marriage, if you've ever felt that way? Is it ever a good time or okay reason to throw in the towel, even though you know homeschooling is the better choice for your kids? And I'm talking about next school year, not immediately. And I know all of my non-homeschooling friends are probably laughing at me lamenting over this, but for us right now, it's a very serious problem. These problems we've been facing have overshadowed our entire lives lately, and I'm finding myself being negative about everything and not feeling like myself. I know a lot of this cannot be placed on homeschooling, rather, it's a spiritual problem at the root. But when at your wit's end and feeling all alone, what is there to be done? If anything, please pray, as we are in dire straits in many different ways around here and this is not something I would normally just come out and share with people when asked, "How are you?"
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
So we swore in our first Black president today. The historical value of that is amazing. But other than that, there's not a whole bunch I like about the situation. I am not an Obama supporter, and as the Obama worship grows, I get more leery rather than hopeful. With that, nothing I say about today, no matter how intelligent or witty, will change the mind of any supporters and will only further discord amongst us. So, I leave it at that. But I am committed to pray for him and his administration, and I have hope that God still accomplish His work regardless of who is in office. I don't doubt God's plan...which means that for whatever reason, Obama is meant to be there. So I will pray.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
What if every encounter another person had with me caused them to walk away feeling as if they were enveloped in a hug? What if my prescense warmed them to the point of feeling like they were utterly loved, enjoyed and cherished?
I've realized over the last year that what I really, truly desire in life is to be included, to not be forgotten. I want to be loved and cherished; protected and thought of. I want to be remembered and known.
Somewhere, somehow, I'm not getting this and my challenge is to be okay with the idea that the only place I may ever get it is from God. I need to be satisfied with that and I need more of Him and less of me in order to attain that satisfaction.
What if my goal in life was to make sure that every person I interacted with, starting with my immediate family, left my prescense with a feeling that they were loved, remembered, wanted, included, protected and thought of. Maybe if I gave that first, I would start to have friendships that were deeper and met these needs. Maybe my marriage would survive the valleys. Maybe people would start to include me more and think of me more. Most of all, maybe I would start to be more Christ like.