Update on Madeleine

Yesterday was a long day, driving to Portland then to Salmon Creek, with a few stops in between. It wasn't, however, an awful day and for that I'm thankful!

We got to Madeleine's endo appointment at Legacy Emmanuel Children's Hospital 30 minutes early, and surprisingly, they called us in within 5 minutes of arriving! After meeting with her doctor, the consensus is....SHE'S NORMAL! Kind of. Her height dropped from 10% to 3%, but her doctor said that her puberty signs she's showing are early, early signs and mixed with her slow down in growth, is typical of a body that's gearing up to have a growth spurt. YAY!!! She said that Madeleine is still a "late bloomer" and to not expect any "womanly" type events for a couple years still (translation: she has at least 2 years to grow another foot!) Also, it was nice to be validated in my opinion of Madeleine's regular doctor...our endo muttered, "I wish these doctors would read up on puberty and get their facts straight!" As much as we liked Madeleine's new PCP at first, I think it might be time for another change once we get through this "fatigue" issue.

Which brings me to the next appointment. After feeding my relieved daughter at SlappyCakes in the Belmont Neighborhood, near Peacock Lane (which we loved, but know is NOT worth the cost), then unsuccessfully hunting high and low for cheap tap shoes...after all this, we finally made our way to Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital. Here we were told they were running behind. Then we were told they had no record of her appointment. Then they said, "EKG? Not EEG?" All I could do was repeat what I had been told by our doctor's nurse, the EKG scheduler, and the check-in lady downstairs. Finally, they brought her in for an EKG, which just as she's set up, a guy comes in and says, "Is this Madeleine? I have her scheduled for an EEG with me!" WHAT??? Seriously. I don't care what they do, just check my kid's heart and let us get on with our day!!!!

No really, it turned out okay. The people were so kind and they did her EKG really quick, just in case it was ordered. Then we went in for her EEG with a super nice guy, who talked her through everything she was seeing on the screen and talked about the heart, how it starts beating at 24 days post-conception and what a gift that is. Here's the cool part....we saw her heart on the ultrasound and it was the COOLEST THING EVER!!!! I saw all the chambers and valves; saw it from above and below and sideways; saw up close images of her aorta; and saw an image of her heart that looked just like what we see in anatomy books, except black and white. So, so cool! I kept looking for defects with my untrained eye, and thinking about the first time I saw her heart.

It was on ultrasound, around week 12 of my pregnancy, this little dot beating, representing hope to me. After miscarriages and infertility, the beating dot said, "This is a healthy baby. You really are pregnant. You are a mommy." So I tried to hold onto that hope yesterday, while looking at her seemingly healthy heart. "She is a healthy baby. You are a mommy and your baby is going to be just fine." Finding something wrong would be nice, because then we'd have an answer to her issues. But I'd rather have phantom fainting spells and lots of sleeping over my baby having a heart defect. At any rate, we're supposed to hear the results today, which means really, we''ll be calling the doctor Monday, wondering if there is any news. I'm sure they would call if something was wrong, so I'm not too concerned.

Madeleine, my most marvelous miracle

Tomorrow is a big day for my Miss Madeleine. For those of you not familiar with her story, a quick update...

She is short. About the size of an 8 year old, even though she's almost 12. Now, we are not extremely tall people, but still....she has almost a foot to grow to be my height, which I hit at age 12. So this year, we have spent some time with specialists. Her endocrinologist at Emmanuel Children's Hospital said back in May that she's fine, just a late bloomer, and as long as symptom A, B, or C don't appear, then we don't need to see her until December. Well, guess what? Symptom A and C appeared. So they got us in as quickly as possible and that is tomorrow morning. We will find out if in fact we need to be concerned or if she's still just normal. (Who wants to be normal anyway? That's so boring!) Anyway, Madz is a little nervous and while she doesn't like being shorter than normal, she also doesn't like the idea of HGC shots for the next 6 years. The idea of puberty grosses her out too. So the poor girl could use some prayer and good thoughts!

Then, tomorrow afternoon, she is seeing a heart specialist. First she will have an EKG, then we will either see the specialist right away, or they will call us later on. She began having extreme dizziness about 4 months ago, which led to near fainting spells. Then she began to complain of extreme fatigue, some heart flutters, lack of appetite, loss of a bit of weight, she's very pale and has dark shadows under her eyes (worse than usual for her), and sometimes finds herself disoriented. The doctor thought we should rule out any heart issues, since her blood work came back normal. If the EKG is fine, then we know we need to try a different nutrition route and maybe get more than 10 hours of sleep a night...but 10 hours is a lot for an almost 12 year old! We know the EKG won't hurt and she's not nervous about it. She wants to know what's wrong, at the same time as hoping that nothing is wrong.

My gut feeling is she's fine on both accounts. I'm very at peace about the whole thing. Which, to some degree, is what concerns me. I was very at peace when Soph was sick a year ago, and she ended up with a ruptured appendix, near death. So I always worry that when I am calm, it's God's way of preparing me for bad news, so I can be strong for my kids. Either way, I'll take it, but my heart's desire is to have healthy kids. And gosh darn it...this hasn't been our year on the health front. :(

Anyway, prayers and supportive thoughts would all be appreciated (I know some of my lovely friends aren't of the praying persuasion, so I'll take your kind and loving thoughts as well). Updates will be posted!!

Waiting on that A-ha moment

I've joined a new bible study group, on forgiveness. It's the first bible study group I've been in for awhile. Why? That's a post for another time.

I'm not too far into it, so I am still waiting for a big "a-ha" moment that I usually get when doing any kind of study like this. It'll come, I'm sure. For now, I'm just focusing on what it means to BE forgiven, as well as to forgive.

Here's the thing about forgiveness. I have a LOT to forgive (don't we all?) But it seems like the last 5 years especially have given me a lot of opportunity to forgive. Lately, instead of waking up each day and thinking, "I'm going to keep on keepin' on and try to forgive today!"...I hold it all inside. For about the last year now. I've stopped crying a lot like I used to. I've stopped caring as much. Haven't read my bible or prayed or gone to church as much as I usually do. I've become hardened. Like the unforgiveness and anger is molding me from the inside out.

So, what to do? Let it go, I know. I'm inching towards that goal, but right now I'm ignoring it.

I wonder what I'm afraid of, why I won't let the pain and anger and unforgiveness go? I think I'm waiting for that "a-ha" moment to force me to let it go; that ZEN moment (for lack of a better term), that point at which I can say, "I am one with the forgiveness, and I no longer care." Maybe forgiveness is an act of not caring, as opposed to letting go? Either way....here I sit, reading about Joseph and the awful things his brothers did to him, waiting for my moment.

I'm doing this in earnest this time!

I mean it! I'm going to keep my blog up, even if what I have to say is controversial or boring. So, to kick off my re-launch, I will let the world out there know that my name is Stacie and I am an addict. Addict? Uh-oh...she's really starting with a bang, being transparent and all!

My addiction isn't a bad one, necessarily. I am addicted to reading. Have been my whole life. I know some of you out there would scoff at my literary choices. You see, I'm not a fan of the classics. I've read some, and even been changed by some of them. But I love everyday fiction the most. I know...I've found many circles of people that disclude me because I am not a deep reader by their standards. However, I love stories that tell of everyday people going through everyday challenges...the husband who leaves the wife, the child with autism, the sisters that don't get along...because most of the time, these stories end in a reconciliation of sorts. These stories have characters in them that might have a glimpse of someone that I know or will meet. So it's not that I don't want to enjoy classic literature, or read only non-fiction in hopes that my knowledge base increases...I just like to read stories that center around relationship in the here and now.

With that in mind, I will share my list. I began a list this summer of all the books I read, from May to September, just to have a record of my addiction. Also, my psychologist once accused me of being a liar because I told him I read at least 10 books a month. This proves my truth telling (so neener neener, Mr. Head Doctor). And I admit...I am not immune to reading a trashy novel once in awhile, when I don't really want to delve deep into a plot or character, but need a quick respite from real life. Don't judge. :) Starred books are ones I highly recommend.

The Last Summer (of you and me)-Ann Brashares
Back When We Were GrownUps-Anne Tyler
Look Again-Lisa Scottoline
*The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes-Diane Chamberlain
Saturday Morning-Lauraine Snelling
Noah's Compass-Anne Tyler
A Change in Altitude-Anne Tyler
*The Wednesday Sisters-Meg Waite Clayton
Stepping Into Sunlight-Sharon Hinck
South Bound-Susan Rebecca White
The Haunted Rectory-Katherine Valentine
*Secrets She Left Behind-Diane Chamberlain
*Sarah's Key-Tatiana De Rosnay
The Amateur Marriage-Anne Tyler
A Patchwork Planet-Anne Tyler
The Accidental Tourist-Anne Tyler (only read 1/4 of this)
*Digging To America-Anne Tyler
Dear John-Nicholas Sparks
Nights in Rodanthe-Nicholas Sparks
Wraith-Phaedra Weldon
Once in a Blue Moon-Leanna Ellis
Picture Perfect-Jodi Picoult
Still Alice-Lisa Genova
Her Fearful Symmetry-Audrey Niffenegger
*Belong to Me--Marisa de los Santos (one of the best contemporary fiction novels I've read in a long time)
Take Four-Karen Kingsbury
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (re-read)
Twilight (re-read)
7 science fiction type books that aren't worth mentioning
6 trashy romance novels
I re-read the first Harry Potter and Twilight

I'll answer some common questions: I don't sleep much, my house is NOT spotless, my children are NOT neglected, and we still get school done (most days). I read in the car, on the toilet, while Teddy is watching a movie...whenever I can.

So that's it. Just thought this was all share worthy, and a good kick-off to faithfully reading my blog that really no one reads.

Now, I'm off to read!!

Oh it's been so very long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! So so much has happened since my last post. Sophia nearly died, she just turned 7, we just moved, Teddy's job almost disappeared and still might, we've had more CYT shows, I've lost 26 lbs with 75 more to go...lots has happened. But, I'm up at 2am not because so much has happened and I need to write about it; rather, it's because I can't sleep. My heart is hurting and I have to write it out.


So, I've taken a sabbatical from church. Losing weight seems to have unearthed some hurts in me that I thought were taken care of, but actually were much deeper than originally thought. I can't go too in depth on sharing these hurts, as I am not sure who will read this that may have been involved in the situations. But boy oh boy, tonight is one of those nights where if I could cut out every single person in my life related to the situations that hurt me or even related to the people related to the situation, I would. Unfortunately, I'd have to cut out people that shouldn't be cut out, like say...my husband. That wouldn't do at all.

I'm just really, really struggling with separating God from His people. I'm not understanding the actions of people who are supposed to be Christ like. I'm not understanding the church. I'm feeling so angry and so hurt, so regretful that I can't take back a period of time I feel was stolen from me. And I'm feeling alone in this, like other people don't understand and don't want to understand. Like I should just get over stuff. But right now, all I can do is shut out God and stop going to church, because anything else makes me feel so angry I fear I might leave these things forever.


For those of you questioning my faith, please don't. I still love Jesus. I still worship God and marvel at His creation, and still trust that the Bible is true. I still am actively seeking His truth and His healing, and still pray that my children will have as much or more faith than I do. But I'm hurting, so deeply. And questioning the value in the last 15 years, and wondering about the purpose in church and wanting to know why my non-Christian or non-church friends are often more considerate or kind than my other ones.

I've been absent, on purpose (old post)

This post is from a long time ago, over a year ago. I just went to delete it, but then realized it was actually very good and just needed some discerned tweaking. It totally is an explanation of why I abandoned my blog for so long. Doesn't explain why I've come back, maybe my next post will. :)

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So, I've been missing from the blog world, by my choice this time. At first, I don't think I realized I was doing it on purpose, but looking back, I now see that I was. I'll explain why in a minute, but before I do that, I need to explain that I will actually be missing for awhile. But for different reasons than what I'm going to explain soon. You following me?

I am enrolled in Anatomy & Physiology, as well as an online Nutrition course. Both classes need to recieve A grades. I am also still homeschooling the kids. I still TA at CYT. I'm also still a soccer mom to two kids; dance mom to two kids; and piano mom to three kids. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a wife at times too. So, I'm taking the pressure off myself to do a blog entry, and then I won't feel guilty when I don't.

However, I've realized that there's another reason I'm taking a break. Please understand I'm not trying to have a poor me moment, because I have a friend who has lots of poor me moments on her blog...lots of "no one reads me so I'm just going to quit" moments, but then she keeps going. Nope, that's not what I'm doing. Here's the story. I've been writing a blog for about 4 years now, and doing this particular one for about half that time. I don't necessarily share that I write one...my husband and mom don't even read it. But, this year, a few more of my friends have started their own blogs and I got so excited to read them, only to realize they never read mine. Within weeks of their blogs starting, they were linking to each others blogs and all that fun stuff. But not to mine. I even went so far as to ask one friend if I could link to her blog on mine, partly in hopes that she would do the same. She said yes, but hasn't linked back. Silly, I know, to be upset. It's not a big deal, really. But to me, it just reminds me of another situation that, try as I might, I can never shake.

Quite a few years ago, some people that I thought were my very good friends, whom I shared life with and thought was on the path to bonding...these people started a club. Everyone who knows me well, knows that I love certain types of activities and this club revolved around a favorite activity of mine. So I got excited that my friends were doing this. But then, I didn't get invited. For a couple years, I watched them pass out certain materials for this club in front of me at church, or discuss the club plans in front of me, but never invited me in. I got asked about the club a lot by other outsiders, because it was assumed I was in it, right? I was friends with all the participants. But I was never, ever included. Even when newcomers were invited in.



I'm not sure whatever happened in that situation, I just know that it has colored my friendships since. I don't trust as easily, or share as honestly or as much. It's made me think differently about the actions of Christians and the church, and eventually wasn't the main reason we left our old church, but definitely played into that decision. I know...maybe they didn't really like me. Could be. Not everyone does. Shocker, right? :) I'm okay with it now, but it's a cross I wish I didn't bear and struggle with how to let it go.

Anyway, this blog thing reminds me of that. I know in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. All I'll say is that it hurts a little. Gives the little quickening feeling in the chest, where you can't breath as well as you wish could. Maybe I'll come back to writing this blog again, and maybe people will read it and even link to it. I don't know and try not to care, too much.

This song speaks to me right now

The Motions
by Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more daywithout
Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"