Monday, May 17, 2010

Oh it's been so very long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! So so much has happened since my last post. Sophia nearly died, she just turned 7, we just moved, Teddy's job almost disappeared and still might, we've had more CYT shows, I've lost 26 lbs with 75 more to go...lots has happened. But, I'm up at 2am not because so much has happened and I need to write about it; rather, it's because I can't sleep. My heart is hurting and I have to write it out.

So, I've taken a sabbatical from church. Losing weight seems to have unearthed some hurts in me that I thought were taken care of, but actually were much deeper than originally thought. I can't go too in depth on sharing these hurts, as I am not sure who will read this that may have been involved in the situations. But boy oh boy, tonight is one of those nights where if I could cut out every single person in my life related to the situations that hurt me or even related to the people related to the situation, I would. Unfortunately, I'd have to cut out people that shouldn't be cut out, like husband. That wouldn't do at all.

I'm just really, really struggling with separating God from His people. I'm not understanding the actions of people who are supposed to be Christ like. I'm not understanding the church. I'm feeling so angry and so hurt, so regretful that I can't take back a period of time I feel was stolen from me. And I'm feeling alone in this, like other people don't understand and don't want to understand. Like I should just get over stuff. But right now, all I can do is shut out God and stop going to church, because anything else makes me feel so angry I fear I might leave these things forever.

For those of you questioning my faith, please don't. I still love Jesus. I still worship God and marvel at His creation, and still trust that the Bible is true. I still am actively seeking His truth and His healing, and still pray that my children will have as much or more faith than I do. But I'm hurting, so deeply. And questioning the value in the last 15 years, and wondering about the purpose in church and wanting to know why my non-Christian or non-church friends are often more considerate or kind than my other ones.

1 comment:

briannaevangelina said...

I just want to say I COMPLETELY understand. Remember, the church is flawed. A building full of imperfect people ALL as much in need of a Savior as the other. (That can be a problem when some think you need a Savior more and they need Him less.) Remind yourself the truth that in Christ there is no more or no better. Only broken people who need to find their the one who loves them more than everything or anything. Sadly, I know from experience, the church is not a very good place to heal or be honest about your failings. It is as if people cover it up, act like they have no problems, no struggles, no sins, and then for the brave who share a bit of themselves or stumble from time to time, only judgement and segregation. Whispered voices talking as if they know, without ever asking the real questions. But I know this...from strong experience...Christ does not want you to run or hide. Only hold your head up in the truth that He loves you so. You belong in the church because you are the church. We are the church. Broken people who know what it feels like to know Him. His grace. His love. His forgiveness. His constant presence. I am praying for you.


P.S. I stumbled across this blog the other day. I used to be in your small group before my own brokenness caused me to run and hide. (I loved your heart and your passion.)