Monday, September 28, 2009

I've been absent, on purpose (old post)

This post is from a long time ago, over a year ago. I just went to delete it, but then realized it was actually very good and just needed some discerned tweaking. It totally is an explanation of why I abandoned my blog for so long. Doesn't explain why I've come back, maybe my next post will. :)


So, I've been missing from the blog world, by my choice this time. At first, I don't think I realized I was doing it on purpose, but looking back, I now see that I was. I'll explain why in a minute, but before I do that, I need to explain that I will actually be missing for awhile. But for different reasons than what I'm going to explain soon. You following me?

I am enrolled in Anatomy & Physiology, as well as an online Nutrition course. Both classes need to recieve A grades. I am also still homeschooling the kids. I still TA at CYT. I'm also still a soccer mom to two kids; dance mom to two kids; and piano mom to three kids. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a wife at times too. So, I'm taking the pressure off myself to do a blog entry, and then I won't feel guilty when I don't.

However, I've realized that there's another reason I'm taking a break. Please understand I'm not trying to have a poor me moment, because I have a friend who has lots of poor me moments on her blog...lots of "no one reads me so I'm just going to quit" moments, but then she keeps going. Nope, that's not what I'm doing. Here's the story. I've been writing a blog for about 4 years now, and doing this particular one for about half that time. I don't necessarily share that I write husband and mom don't even read it. But, this year, a few more of my friends have started their own blogs and I got so excited to read them, only to realize they never read mine. Within weeks of their blogs starting, they were linking to each others blogs and all that fun stuff. But not to mine. I even went so far as to ask one friend if I could link to her blog on mine, partly in hopes that she would do the same. She said yes, but hasn't linked back. Silly, I know, to be upset. It's not a big deal, really. But to me, it just reminds me of another situation that, try as I might, I can never shake.

Quite a few years ago, some people that I thought were my very good friends, whom I shared life with and thought was on the path to bonding...these people started a club. Everyone who knows me well, knows that I love certain types of activities and this club revolved around a favorite activity of mine. So I got excited that my friends were doing this. But then, I didn't get invited. For a couple years, I watched them pass out certain materials for this club in front of me at church, or discuss the club plans in front of me, but never invited me in. I got asked about the club a lot by other outsiders, because it was assumed I was in it, right? I was friends with all the participants. But I was never, ever included. Even when newcomers were invited in.

I'm not sure whatever happened in that situation, I just know that it has colored my friendships since. I don't trust as easily, or share as honestly or as much. It's made me think differently about the actions of Christians and the church, and eventually wasn't the main reason we left our old church, but definitely played into that decision. I know...maybe they didn't really like me. Could be. Not everyone does. Shocker, right? :) I'm okay with it now, but it's a cross I wish I didn't bear and struggle with how to let it go.

Anyway, this blog thing reminds me of that. I know in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. All I'll say is that it hurts a little. Gives the little quickening feeling in the chest, where you can't breath as well as you wish could. Maybe I'll come back to writing this blog again, and maybe people will read it and even link to it. I don't know and try not to care, too much.

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