Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I'm in the middle of composing an email response to a dear friend, telling her how I'm doing and talking about my miscarriage. I just wrote this,

"I think I'm more upset that I'm not more upset, like maybe if I was upset then I'd be emotionally motivated out of the slump I feel stuck in."

Then I started to think about how I've felt dead for many years now, emotionally dead. Like, when I was healed of my severe depression, a different type of depression set it. One that was intended for mere survival. If I don't feel, then I won't go out of control. So I allowed myself to just turn off. I used to be someone who was considered "emotional". I HATED being called emotional. I had big feelings, I was passionate, I was motivated and moved by feelings. The last 5 years or so, that hasn't been the case. I'm kind of stoic, logical, dead. And I've seen it in my feelings towards my kids. I don't feel love like I used to. My heart doesn't swell with overwhelming emotion towards them or Teddy. I am clinical, going through the motions, and have allowed attitudes and actions to appear that would have been abhorrent to me before.

As I was writing this email, I realized that I'm scared. I was severely hurt by people I cared about and trusted a few years ago, and was told that the way I am is not right. So I feel like if I allow emotion to have it's way in me, I am doing something wrong and I am vulnerable to that abuse again. But I want to be swept away with this rush of love for my kiddos; I want to be giddy with lovesick flutters when I think of my husband. I want to cry again at the Hallmark commercials and give money to every homeless person and be moved to change the world because my heart breaks for a sick child. I want to be me again, no matter how emotional and dramatic that is. God gave me this heart and I want to let it breathe and feel again.

So, in writing the email to my dear and loving friend, Cindy, I realized that this is all I want for Christmas. I want Jesus to break my heart. I want to allow my heart to feel my hurt and to stop being protected, because I feel like I can't forgive and move on until I let the arrow penetrate all the way in. Then I can yank it out and heal. And maybe then, I can find that love feeling again...that overwhelming sense of being so lost in someone that their entire essence permeates everything I am.

So with that, here's a song that has meant so much to me over the years, even when I'm mad at God or feeling alone. My favorite part is the bridge, my prayer if you will,

Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

Where are you Christmas?

So I've been trying to get into the Christmas spirit. Really. I've been focusing on advent and not presents; trying not be sad that our Disneyland trip needs to be postponed and instead focusing on the positives of our current situation; and trying to dig back into the Bible to find my way back to the faith that I've lost.

So I sit here, trying to see how this next problem is going to play into finding Christmas and my faith. I know it will, as I've seen God's hand very clearly in some situations lately. As some of you know, a year ago I started a weight loss journey and was doing very good for awhile. Lately, it's been hard going, but I'm still traveling the journey, confident that I will see health before I'm 40. Between losing weight and all the miscarriages have had (7 total, with the last 3 being in the past 5 years) I figured we would officially say we are done with babies. So, Teddy volunteered to make that decision permanent. This was about 4 months ago and it was an awful experience for him. Just awful. So awful that he never went back to make sure things were permanent. I hope you're following. THEN, the last 6 weeks, we have been all getting regular chiropractic care. Who knew, all these years of my infertility, that all I needed was regular chiro care to have regular cycles. So I've been having some regularity, my husband isn't sterile like he's supposed to be (apparently), and I found myself about two weeks ago experiencing some symptoms very similar to pregnancy. Two tests were negative, and one was iffy, possibly a faulty test. So Saturday morning, when my dear friend showed up 9 days late, I had a feeling I knew what was going on. I've been down this road enough to know what losing a baby looks like.

So I endured, and even enjoyed a little, Teddy's work Christmas party on Saturday night. We stayed the night at the Red Lion where it was held, but even with all the fun of the night and stuff, I was in pain and uncomfortable. More so than usual. Sunday afternoon was very stressful for other reasons, and by the time I got home from some errands Sunday around 6pm, I was hardly able to walk. Crying, hurting, needing to clean up. What transpired over the next 30 minutes was me, officially having a miscarriage.

I'm not as upset as I should be. I mean, it's number 8 for me and truth be told, I'm not totally convinced that it was a 'real' pregnancy. I have had ones before that were 'maybe babies', where if it had continued we probably would never had heard a heartbeat. Sometimes I think they're like chemical pregnancies, something like that. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. In fact, I was hoping I wasn't, except my kids would be so happy. But honestly, I'm not really upset. At least, yet. And lately, my mothering has been so awful that I don't deserve any more children! That's not saying I'm happy either. And I have a few friends whom I love dearly who are hurting over worse things right now, so my pain is in perspective and I'm grateful for that. But still....puts a bit of a damper on Christmas celebrating, if only for a little bit. I know God can make beauty appear out of the ashes. This is what I'm praying for, for myself and for my hurting friends, and for my family's Christmas.

Important Safety Instructions

I bought a new hairdryer, in hopes of stopping the frizz that keeps happening, and stopping my daughter from hi-jacking mine. She can have my old one now and leave me in peace!

I was reading the instructions for this hairdryer, because that's the kind of girl I am. I know, we all know how to operate one, but what if there's something new to learn in those instructions? What if all along I've been using it wrong and if I just read the instructions, I will end up looking like I have a stylist living in my closet who does my hair everyday (kind of like a trunk monkey, but BETTER!)

This is what I learned from the instructions for my new Vidal Sassoon Ionic Technology Hairdryer Model VSDR5540 (not every rule is listed, just the new or interesting ones). Be prepared to be WOWED!

1. An appliance should never be left unattended when using. (Really? Because I l turn my hair dryer on, then leave it alone on the counter all the time, don't you?)

2. Close supervision is necessary when this appliance is used by, on, or near children or individuals with certain disabilities. (I have never thought of that. What kind of disabilities? Mental? Physical? Educational? What'd they do, test it on an people with different disabilities and come to this conclusion? It seems kind of discriminatory, and they don't say what kind of disability. It's just a random, weird rule.)

3. Use this appliance only for its intended use as described in this manual. (Like, don't use it to dry my nails after painting? Or use on the engine of my car somehow? Or to dry my pants after getting water on them?)

4. Never use while sleeping. (Uh...okay.)

5. Never drop or insert any object into any opening. (Again, okay. And that's really just a good rule of thumb for anything in life, dontcha' think?)

6. DO NOT use outdoors or operate where aerosol products are being used or where oxygen is being administered. (So, I can't take it camping. Okay. Can't spray certain hair sprays around it. Okay, right? I've NEVER used aerosol hairspray around a hairdryer, have you?)

7. Never block the air opening of the appliance or place it on a soft surface, such as a bed or couch. (Shucks, I can't blow dry my hair in bed anymore. Son of a gun.)

So that's the gist of the crazy rules. Maybe these aren't news to you, but I'll NEVER attempt to use my blowdryer while sleeping, now that I've read these rules. You learn something new everyday.

What I learned from a 10 year old boy

My son Benjamin isn't always the easiest kid to get along with, or to parent. The reasons why aren't a discussion for today. Just know that he's never had TONS of friends. CYT has seemed to help him open up in different ways and a few new guy friends.

This latest CYT show was a new experience for us all. First show in 2 years that Madeleine hasn't participated, first solo show for Ben, Ben didn't have a super strong audition, didn't get called back, got a smaller part than he's previously gotten, he wasn't super excited about his costume (I thought it was adorable) and he hated his makeup (although after I let him vent initially, he never complained about it again). Then, he got sick for one show and had to miss it. I knew he was going through some trials but I was excited to see what God had planned, what kind of growth Ben was going to experience.

Ben was cast as one of two crabs, and the other crab happened to be a boy (I.) we've gotten to know a bit through a couple other shows. He and Ben really started to bond over "boy" stuff during the run of the show. Ben attempted to stay the night with I. on opening night (but doesn't do sleepovers so ended up coming home), and that night I saw something new to me in my son. He was crying when he came home, because he felt bad for his buddy. He worried about how disappointed I. would be when he woke up and found Ben gone.

Ben and his buddy are the two crabs.

Courtesy of Five Wishes Photography.

Then, during our closing show party, something happened that I will never forget. Awards were begin given out, and an award was given to Ben's friend for staying in character as a Crab. Disappointing, since there's only 2 crabs and they basically did the same thing, but the awards aren't like the Academy Awards or anything. I was happy for I. but sad for Ben. A few moments after that award was given, I see Madeleine walking with Ben to find me, and they are both crying. Madeleine says, "Ben is sad because I. got the award but not him." Ben lunges for me, sobbing so loud and making a bit of a scene, getting red makeup all over my white lace shirt. But as his Momma, all I could do was hold him and let him cry. It's not like anything wrong was done, or there was anyone to talk to who could change it. It was what it was....just a part of how life goes. I.'s mom came over and asked what was wrong, and I briefly told her, making sure she knows we weren't mad or anything, just disappointed and working through it. (BTW, I.'s mom is one of my favorite people ever). Ben seemed to be fine after a few moments, and we proceeded to get ready to wrap up the party.

Well, Teddy comes up a couple minutes later and tells me that Ben needs to share something with me in the car. I asked him to please just tell me and I'll feign ignorance in the car, because if it's something bad I don't want to overreact. He tells me that after the awards, I. came up to Ben with his award certificate. I. had crossed out his name, wrote in Ben's, and on the back wrote, "You stayed in character better than me." He then told Ben that he was his best friend and deserved the award more than him. Oh. My. Gosh. I started to cry, super hard then found I.'s mom and gave her a big hug, telling her that she raised a boy who's heart is so good. She started to cry too, and said she just told I. to go give Ben a hug to encourage him! I found I. and blubbered some dumb things about being a good kid and a good friend and has a heart for God and yada yada yada, probably overwhelming the poor 10 year old kid!

But I will never forget what he did. I. valued his friend's feelings more than his award, even though I. deserved the award. He cared more about encouraging Ben than having pride in himself. He showed initiative, kindness, compassion. I think it might be the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for Ben. Ben didn't really care about the award. He cared about being noticed, and I. took the time to NOTICE Ben. Isn't that what we all really want? To know that we are SEEN? That we matter? I. did this for Ben, and in the process taught me about loving another person...something I've not been too good at lately. And taught me a little about what I truly desire from God...to know that He SEES me and KNOWS me.

Thanks, dear I.'s mom, for raising a boy of such character. You should be proud. And thanks, I. I hope you are my son's friend for a very long time, and I hope I can be a little like you when I grow up.

Lots to say

I have lots to say, so much on my mind. Those of you who know me well, know that I typically do not go to sleep before midnight. However, the last two nights, I've gone to sleep at 10:30 and 9:30. Tonight was 9:30...but here I sit at 1am, having woken up and not able to get back to sleep. I know it's mostly because of heavy thoughts on my mind. Oh how I wish to unload them onto you, my faithful readers, in hopes of some clarity or relief. But I also don't want to ONLY write about deep thoughts and severe emotions. Since these heavy thoughts aren't concentrated to one topic only, it does seem difficult to write about here. They include continuing faith issues that I've previously shared, as well as marriage junk, parenting woes, pre-teen drama, bd parties coming up, the holiday, bankruptcy issues, Christmas plans going awry....ahhhh, so much to think on.

So instead of delving deep into those, I thought I would share one of the beautiful things that happened this week!

Madeleine turned 12! Good grief, it seems like just yesterday I was looking at that stick turning pink with a positive sign. Her birthday was on Sunday and we had Ben's closing show and party for The Little Mermaid, but her morning started out with the cast singing her happy birthday after Sunday worship! That was fun! Then, after the strike party, our family went to dinner (including our good family friend, Kiana, who Madeleine considers one of her very best friends even though she is 6 years older--she's more of an older sister to her!). Kiana also stayed the night with her, which was fun. After dinner and after a quick trip home, I took Kiana and Madz to the store for a movie and some breakfast foods (and I made sure to act very embarrassing throughout the store). I also got them a treat at McDonald's and we had some funny times there. This coming weekend, Kiana is helping me to give Madeleine a bd party...not a lot of her friends can come, but it should still be a good time! I still can't believe that God blessed me with such a kind, caring, responsible, loving, mature, funny, and loyal first born child. I feel so lucky to have the children that I have, and so undeserving. I also can't believe I have a 12 year old!!!

A really great thing happened to Ben during the strike party of Little Mermaid that I can't wait to share, but it requires a longer posting. I will save it for later. For now, I am hoping my close friend Insomnia will leave me alone and let me get on in my journey toward slumber!

I was trying to write a story but you didn't want to see it

I've had an off day. Once I was done with my responsibilities of schooling and dinner, I shut the world out and hid my nose in a book. That usually leads me to a place of having my head in the clouds. I just feel a little removed from my reality, lost in the characters of the story I was reading.

After finishing my third book in two days, I wander out the the living room to help Teddy with my two oldest children, who have a touch of insomnia tonight. I figure I'll check my email and hit the sack. Of course, I get caught up reading blogs and listening to this new artist and then there's Facebook! Well, that's usually the times that great thoughts come upon me, or that I hear God speak to me (well, when He and I were talking regularly).

First off, I'm listening to a local artist, Justin Klump. His music is fantastic! Soothing and real. Ironically, I've known of him for years because we used to be very good friends with his brother, Aaron, who actually sang in our wedding! Our first kitten as a married couple was received from Justin's family, and we are linked in a few other ways through common people and such. Rabbit trail, sorry. So I'm sitting here listening to his soothing music, and I open an email from the mother of an old friend, in response to my blog. This woman is someone whose opinion has always meant a lot to me. I felt honored that she would read my words, respond to me, and pray for me. The email ushered in some moments tonight of crying, of more thinking, of remembering, of wishing.

In her email, she included some pictures that, oddly enough, she found the day after reading my blog. They were pictures of Teddy and I and a friend, on September 11, 1994. That was the day we got baptized. As this gently emotive music was playing, I stared at these pictures, at my young 19-year-old face. I remember the hope I had for this future I would have...the vision I had of what type of Godly woman I would be. What kind of life I would have, what my journey would look like, how I would serve. And I realized part of my problem right now is that, honestly, I'm grieving. I lost that hope. That future that I had banked on never came to pass, and it hurts. I can't turn back and make it happen. I can't undo what's been done. The pictures make me smile and feel introspective, and I'm so very grateful to her for sending them to me. But it also hurts to see my joyful face and to know that I am not that girl anymore. I think it's good, because it's helping me clean out some emotional places I haven't been able to reach previously.

But what was interesting to me as I was sitting here, crying and staring at the pictures and re-reading her great words of encouragement, was how this soundtrack of Justin Klump behind me fit into my situation. Oddly enough, the song I was listening to is titled "Madeline". Just at a point where I muttered the oft-said words of late, "Lord, I'm listening", the song said "I was trying to write a story but you didn't want to see it." Hmm...hit me a little close to home, a thought to ponder...what story has God been trying to write that I don't want to see? Then he sings, "The poetry is gone, you wrote all the music to someone else's song." That summed up how I feel. My poetry is gone and I used all my music on some other version of ME's song.

Anyway, I don't have any great wrap-up or epiphany for this experience. It is what it is and that's all. But I am grateful that in the midst of my seeking, I am being reminded that I am being pursued. And that even in the midst of this great storm of bitterness that has seized my heart, I can still see the beauty of hope and joy in those pictures of me, so many years ago, even if I just can't connect with it right now. I am thankful for that tonight.

Lessons on Forgiveness

As I've shared before, I am traveling on a journey in regards to my faith. Lately, I've been at a crossroads. I either do some things I don't want to do, or I maintain my status as "stalled" in this journey. In order to do the things I don't want to, I must start talking to God again. Oh, and forgive. That pesky idea of forgiveness just won't leave me alone, will it? So, to help me on this path, my friend Jan invited me into a Bible study she's facilitating. Guess what we're studying? Forgiveness. We are currently reading about Joseph and his relationship with God as well as his route to forgiveness with his brothers. During our study last week, Jan brought up Jonah and the whale, in relation to my situation. So, I've been studying Jonah, and the whole issue of forgiveness in general, this week and have learned quite a bit. Being the verbal processor that I am, I must share what I'm learning in order to truly feel like I'm understanding it. So I commence.

I've read all these different viewpoints of what forgiveness is and how to do it, and more importantly, why we should do it. The main points standing out to me right at this moment are:

1. If we don't forgive, we eventually become bitter. I feel like I can't let go of that bitterness until my offender knows what they did wrong to me and apologizes, or even has to "pay" for it. But guess what? In most cases, our offenders don't give a damn. Or don't know, and if they did know, still wouldn't give a damn. So, who really is that bitterness hurting? That's right. Me. The one holding onto the bitterness.
2. Bitterness causes many bad things to happen, not just to me but to those around me. As a result of my bitterness, I have become untrustful (that's also partly because people I trusted backstabbed me, and also because I felt like God didn't have my back either). I have also become negative, withdrawn, depressed more than usual, provoked to anger more easily, unloving toward my husband who I felt also didn't have my back. I have stopped enjoying church, and don't go if I don't have to. My kids no longer memorize scripture and we no longer resemble a Christian household for most purposes. We don't really talk about Christ and we don't pray like we used to. And I've been in situations where I've had to lie about my feelings, or else tell them truths that may turn them away from what I want them so badly to believe better than I do. We have all suffered from my hurt and from my unforgiveness. I don't trust other Christians. I also no longer take communion. All because I'm bitter at God and some of His people that hurt me deeper than I've ever been hurt before. And they don't even know or care. So I circle back to...who is this bitterness hurting, me or my offenders?
3. Unforgiveness is a sin. We are commanded to forgive and to trust God to see to the justice part of our lives. Hard to do when I don't trust God. Hard to care about my sin when I don't see the people who hurt me paying for THEIR sin. Hard to do when I feel hatred toward those people (oh, and isn't that actually akin to murder?) Arrgh. This is where we circle back to...do I love Jesus? (Yes.) Do I want to let go of all this? (Sorta. Mostly. Okay, YES!) Do I want to have fellowship with God again? (Yes. But not the God I thought I knew. I want the real God. The one who preaches more Love than Judgement, more Grace than Law, more Forgiveness than Unforg...wait, what?? Oh....) Yes, that's right. I want what I won't give. Hmm...thinking on that one.
   

I have more I could discuss; however, my brain is hurting. But my decisions I feel I have upon me tonight are deep. Did I ever really love Jesus? Did I ever really know Him?If not, do I want to? And if I did or want to, am I willing to obey and let go of my bitterness and trust Him to use whatever my situation is or was to bring about His glory and His plan? And if so, and if I want to be forgiven for my own sin and my own unbelief and all that pish-posh, am I willing to start the forgiveness process in my own life? Because it really just starts with a decision to do it, right? Things can fall into place after that, and it's a daily process, but really, I just have to say,"Okay, let's do this." So...hmm. Thinking. For me, tonight, it comes down to trust. Whom do I trust for my freedom?

My final question, posed to you handful that actually read my musings, is this. For years, I have felt that my forgiveness can only truly be worked through if I let the other person know. In some cases, it's because I too feel like perhaps I should apologize for a few things as well as let the person know I was hurt. But in others, it's because the justice seeker in me feels that it is so unfair that some people go through life without knowing that they have offended another person. I think I know the answer to this one, but what say you, oh unbiased jury? Let them know or not?

I leave with this quote, as I go to ponder on my findings and make big decisions.

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. [forgiveness]

"All the years you have waited for them to "make it up to you" and all the energy you expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get."

Lewis B. Smedes - The Art of Forgiving: When You Need To Forgive And Don't Know How