Thursday, December 16, 2010

Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I'm in the middle of composing an email response to a dear friend, telling her how I'm doing and talking about my miscarriage. I just wrote this,
"I think I'm more upset that I'm not more upset, like maybe if I was upset then I'd be emotionally motivated out of the slump I feel stuck in."
Then I started to think about how I've felt dead for many years now, emotionally dead. Like, when I was healed of my severe depression, a different type of depression set it. One that was intended for mere survival. If I don't feel, then I won't go out of control. So I allowed myself to just turn off. I used to be someone who was considered "emotional". I HATED being called emotional. I had big feelings, I was passionate, I was motivated and moved by feelings. The last 5 years or so, that hasn't been the case. I'm kind of stoic, logical, dead. And I've seen it in my feelings towards my kids. I don't feel love like I used to. My heart doesn't swell with overwhelming emotion towards them or Teddy. I am clinical, going through the motions, and have allowed attitudes and actions to appear that would have been abhorrent to me before.

As I was writing this email, I realized that I'm scared. I was severely hurt by people I cared about and trusted a few years ago, and was told that the way I am is not right. So I feel like if I allow emotion to have it's way in me, I am doing something wrong and I am vulnerable to that abuse again. But I want to be swept away with this rush of love for my kiddos; I want to be giddy with lovesick flutters when I think of my husband. I want to cry again at the Hallmark commercials and give money to every homeless person and be moved to change the world because my heart breaks for a sick child. I want to be me again, no matter how emotional and dramatic that is. God gave me this heart and I want to let it breathe and feel again.

So, in writing the email to my dear and loving friend, Cindy, I realized that this is all I want for Christmas. I want Jesus to break my heart. I want to allow my heart to feel my hurt and to stop being protected, because I feel like I can't forgive and move on until I let the arrow penetrate all the way in. Then I can yank it out and heal. And maybe then, I can find that love feeling again...that overwhelming sense of being so lost in someone that their entire essence permeates everything I am.

So with that, here's a song that has meant so much to me over the years, even when I'm mad at God or feeling alone. My favorite part is the bridge, my prayer if you will,
Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your Kingdom's cause


Amy D said...

I could have written this. <3

htimm=) said...

This is beautiful and I hope you get your Christmas wish though I hope you don't have to endure more pain to get there. I have always liked Stacie, the one I met 12+ years ago. =) Love you!