Monday, December 13, 2010

Where are you Christmas?

So I've been trying to get into the Christmas spirit. Really. I've been focusing on advent and not presents; trying not be sad that our Disneyland trip needs to be postponed and instead focusing on the positives of our current situation; and trying to dig back into the Bible to find my way back to the faith that I've lost.

So I sit here, trying to see how this next problem is going to play into finding Christmas and my faith. I know it will, as I've seen God's hand very clearly in some situations lately. As some of you know, a year ago I started a weight loss journey and was doing very good for awhile. Lately, it's been hard going, but I'm still traveling the journey, confident that I will see health before I'm 40. Between losing weight and all the miscarriages have had (7 total, with the last 3 being in the past 5 years) I figured we would officially say we are done with babies. So, Teddy volunteered to make that decision permanent. This was about 4 months ago and it was an awful experience for him. Just awful. So awful that he never went back to make sure things were permanent. I hope you're following. THEN, the last 6 weeks, we have been all getting regular chiropractic care. Who knew, all these years of my infertility, that all I needed was regular chiro care to have regular cycles. So I've been having some regularity, my husband isn't sterile like he's supposed to be (apparently), and I found myself about two weeks ago experiencing some symptoms very similar to pregnancy. Two tests were negative, and one was iffy, possibly a faulty test. So Saturday morning, when my dear friend showed up 9 days late, I had a feeling I knew what was going on. I've been down this road enough to know what losing a baby looks like.

So I endured, and even enjoyed a little, Teddy's work Christmas party on Saturday night. We stayed the night at the Red Lion where it was held, but even with all the fun of the night and stuff, I was in pain and uncomfortable. More so than usual. Sunday afternoon was very stressful for other reasons, and by the time I got home from some errands Sunday around 6pm, I was hardly able to walk. Crying, hurting, needing to clean up. What transpired over the next 30 minutes was me, officially having a miscarriage.

I'm not as upset as I should be. I mean, it's number 8 for me and truth be told, I'm not totally convinced that it was a 'real' pregnancy. I have had ones before that were 'maybe babies', where if it had continued we probably would never had heard a heartbeat. Sometimes I think they're like chemical pregnancies, something like that. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. In fact, I was hoping I wasn't, except my kids would be so happy. But honestly, I'm not really upset. At least, yet. And lately, my mothering has been so awful that I don't deserve any more children! That's not saying I'm happy either. And I have a few friends whom I love dearly who are hurting over worse things right now, so my pain is in perspective and I'm grateful for that. But still....puts a bit of a damper on Christmas celebrating, if only for a little bit. I know God can make beauty appear out of the ashes. This is what I'm praying for, for myself and for my hurting friends, and for my family's Christmas.

1 comment:

htimm=) said...

Oh friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I have only gone through this once and I tried so hard to brush it off as nothing. It wasn't until I allowed my self to mourn the loss that I was able to move past it. I will be praying for you as you work through the gamut of emotion and heart ache involved. I pray you have a blessed Christmas! Much love to you and your family!