Overdue update on the children...

Ben has had a rough week. I have had a rough week. We have been rough on each other. Homeschooling the past 5 years has been rough. Ben's been a rough kid to parent since he was 1 year old. I've been a rough parent to have since he was 1 year old. See a pattern here? Times have been rough.

I put out a call for help on Facebook this week, and got some great advice. Some of the advice were things I've tried before, or things we've always done, or things that would never work for Ben. But still, I appreciate the willingness of people to just share their hearts and thoughts with me, and knowing that others out there struggle alongside us. That being said, my first plan of action is to make very clear the boundaries we have in this home, and commit to them. Secondly, I will not emotionally react to him. Third, we are overhauling our nutrition. And finally, which really should be first, I'm doing some deep talking with God (whom I have kind of been giving the cold shoulder to lately, due to some personal issues--blog post for another time). I figure that right now, God maybe doesn't want to hear from me about me, but maybe He'll listen when it comes to my son.

And, speaking of nutrition...our overhaul should help Miss Sophia too. Finally, after about 2 weeks of tummy issues, I got her in today to the same day clinic and thankfully, it was a pediatrician who saw her. After checking her pee (negative for UTI) and doing an abdomen x-ray, it was determined that she is severely constipated, with it mostly sitting in the left side of her descending colon. I know, what is it with my family and poo? Ben and Soph take after Aunt Heidi with the constipation route, Madeleine and I take after my side of the family with the IBS route, and Teddy...well, I don't have permission to share on his issues, but I think it's safe to say he's fairly normal. :)

Anyway, the doctor prescribed 2 enemas 12 hours apart, and a month long regime of stool softener. Poor Soph...she's been fretting all day, knowing that Momma has to do this dumb enema (and I think I should be honest here and say my tummy hasn't felt so good thinking about it...it's been 7 years since I last did one, and that was on a geriatric patient). So, from the time we leave the doctor's office, to about 9:30 tonight, she ends up going poo about 4 times. I figure there's no way I'm doing this if she's going on her own. We must avoid the trauma! I call one of my very best friends in the whole wide world who also happens to be a nurse (Tonya) and she says do it anyway, and we both agree on why it should still be done. But the poo is still coming. Eww. So, I call the on-call doctor, because I really want someone official to tell me I don't have to do it. She agrees that we should wait until morning to see what happens with this bout of diarrhea. I TOTALLY agree! I mean, yeah, I was ABSOLUTELY worried about her electrolytes and dehydration and all that. Really, I was. After she mentioned that and I realized a better mom would have thought of that BEFORE she thought of her uncomfortable feelings and poo leakage on her good towels.

So, that is where we sit. I was glad to hear a doctor affirm my position, that Sophia's tummy aches and constipation issues are NOT the same as Ben and Madeleine's, because of her appendix drama. I was also glad that something was wrong and we could fix it, as opposed to nothing being wrong and so we don't know how to make her feel better.

And I'm totally glad that I have friends and family who will pray for me and my kids, share with me, and love me (tantrums and all); and I'm glad that I have friends and family who will read this and say, "Really Stacie? An entry about poop? Isn't that a little much?" But you will still love me, because try as I might, I just don't know how to be anything but transparent and real. I mean, everybody poops, right? I'm just sayin'...

Today's thoughts to chew on

I read a lot of blogs by women who have either left their faith completely, or changed their faith journey to a different direction, because of spiritual abuse. Most of them are leaving the Quiverfull movement. Some are different types of spiritual abuse. Very interesting reading, which can spark some heated conversations. Anyway, here is a link to a blog entry today by one of my favorite blogs to read. This entry has so much in it I want to comment on, so much I agree with, and so much I just want to sit and think about. Before I share any of my thoughts, though, I wanted to share it with y'all and see what thoughts are swirling in your mind?

http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2010/10/not-so-clearly.html

Oh, and an update on Madeleine will be coming soon. She's fine. The update is being combined with some info to share on Soph and Ben, and it all kind of relates. So I thought I'd do it all in one entry!

Update on Madeleine

Yesterday was a long day, driving to Portland then to Salmon Creek, with a few stops in between. It wasn't, however, an awful day and for that I'm thankful!

We got to Madeleine's endo appointment at Legacy Emmanuel Children's Hospital 30 minutes early, and surprisingly, they called us in within 5 minutes of arriving! After meeting with her doctor, the consensus is....SHE'S NORMAL! Kind of. Her height dropped from 10% to 3%, but her doctor said that her puberty signs she's showing are early, early signs and mixed with her slow down in growth, is typical of a body that's gearing up to have a growth spurt. YAY!!! She said that Madeleine is still a "late bloomer" and to not expect any "womanly" type events for a couple years still (translation: she has at least 2 years to grow another foot!) Also, it was nice to be validated in my opinion of Madeleine's regular doctor...our endo muttered, "I wish these doctors would read up on puberty and get their facts straight!" As much as we liked Madeleine's new PCP at first, I think it might be time for another change once we get through this "fatigue" issue.

Which brings me to the next appointment. After feeding my relieved daughter at SlappyCakes in the Belmont Neighborhood, near Peacock Lane (which we loved, but know is NOT worth the cost), then unsuccessfully hunting high and low for cheap tap shoes...after all this, we finally made our way to Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital. Here we were told they were running behind. Then we were told they had no record of her appointment. Then they said, "EKG? Not EEG?" All I could do was repeat what I had been told by our doctor's nurse, the EKG scheduler, and the check-in lady downstairs. Finally, they brought her in for an EKG, which just as she's set up, a guy comes in and says, "Is this Madeleine? I have her scheduled for an EEG with me!" WHAT??? Seriously. I don't care what they do, just check my kid's heart and let us get on with our day!!!!

No really, it turned out okay. The people were so kind and they did her EKG really quick, just in case it was ordered. Then we went in for her EEG with a super nice guy, who talked her through everything she was seeing on the screen and talked about the heart, how it starts beating at 24 days post-conception and what a gift that is. Here's the cool part....we saw her heart on the ultrasound and it was the COOLEST THING EVER!!!! I saw all the chambers and valves; saw it from above and below and sideways; saw up close images of her aorta; and saw an image of her heart that looked just like what we see in anatomy books, except black and white. So, so cool! I kept looking for defects with my untrained eye, and thinking about the first time I saw her heart.

It was on ultrasound, around week 12 of my pregnancy, this little dot beating, representing hope to me. After miscarriages and infertility, the beating dot said, "This is a healthy baby. You really are pregnant. You are a mommy." So I tried to hold onto that hope yesterday, while looking at her seemingly healthy heart. "She is a healthy baby. You are a mommy and your baby is going to be just fine." Finding something wrong would be nice, because then we'd have an answer to her issues. But I'd rather have phantom fainting spells and lots of sleeping over my baby having a heart defect. At any rate, we're supposed to hear the results today, which means really, we''ll be calling the doctor Monday, wondering if there is any news. I'm sure they would call if something was wrong, so I'm not too concerned.

Madeleine, my most marvelous miracle

Tomorrow is a big day for my Miss Madeleine. For those of you not familiar with her story, a quick update...

She is short. About the size of an 8 year old, even though she's almost 12. Now, we are not extremely tall people, but still....she has almost a foot to grow to be my height, which I hit at age 12. So this year, we have spent some time with specialists. Her endocrinologist at Emmanuel Children's Hospital said back in May that she's fine, just a late bloomer, and as long as symptom A, B, or C don't appear, then we don't need to see her until December. Well, guess what? Symptom A and C appeared. So they got us in as quickly as possible and that is tomorrow morning. We will find out if in fact we need to be concerned or if she's still just normal. (Who wants to be normal anyway? That's so boring!) Anyway, Madz is a little nervous and while she doesn't like being shorter than normal, she also doesn't like the idea of HGC shots for the next 6 years. The idea of puberty grosses her out too. So the poor girl could use some prayer and good thoughts!

Then, tomorrow afternoon, she is seeing a heart specialist. First she will have an EKG, then we will either see the specialist right away, or they will call us later on. She began having extreme dizziness about 4 months ago, which led to near fainting spells. Then she began to complain of extreme fatigue, some heart flutters, lack of appetite, loss of a bit of weight, she's very pale and has dark shadows under her eyes (worse than usual for her), and sometimes finds herself disoriented. The doctor thought we should rule out any heart issues, since her blood work came back normal. If the EKG is fine, then we know we need to try a different nutrition route and maybe get more than 10 hours of sleep a night...but 10 hours is a lot for an almost 12 year old! We know the EKG won't hurt and she's not nervous about it. She wants to know what's wrong, at the same time as hoping that nothing is wrong.

My gut feeling is she's fine on both accounts. I'm very at peace about the whole thing. Which, to some degree, is what concerns me. I was very at peace when Soph was sick a year ago, and she ended up with a ruptured appendix, near death. So I always worry that when I am calm, it's God's way of preparing me for bad news, so I can be strong for my kids. Either way, I'll take it, but my heart's desire is to have healthy kids. And gosh darn it...this hasn't been our year on the health front. :(

Anyway, prayers and supportive thoughts would all be appreciated (I know some of my lovely friends aren't of the praying persuasion, so I'll take your kind and loving thoughts as well). Updates will be posted!!

Waiting on that A-ha moment

I've joined a new bible study group, on forgiveness. It's the first bible study group I've been in for awhile. Why? That's a post for another time.

I'm not too far into it, so I am still waiting for a big "a-ha" moment that I usually get when doing any kind of study like this. It'll come, I'm sure. For now, I'm just focusing on what it means to BE forgiven, as well as to forgive.

Here's the thing about forgiveness. I have a LOT to forgive (don't we all?) But it seems like the last 5 years especially have given me a lot of opportunity to forgive. Lately, instead of waking up each day and thinking, "I'm going to keep on keepin' on and try to forgive today!"...I hold it all inside. For about the last year now. I've stopped crying a lot like I used to. I've stopped caring as much. Haven't read my bible or prayed or gone to church as much as I usually do. I've become hardened. Like the unforgiveness and anger is molding me from the inside out.

So, what to do? Let it go, I know. I'm inching towards that goal, but right now I'm ignoring it.

I wonder what I'm afraid of, why I won't let the pain and anger and unforgiveness go? I think I'm waiting for that "a-ha" moment to force me to let it go; that ZEN moment (for lack of a better term), that point at which I can say, "I am one with the forgiveness, and I no longer care." Maybe forgiveness is an act of not caring, as opposed to letting go? Either way....here I sit, reading about Joseph and the awful things his brothers did to him, waiting for my moment.

I'm doing this in earnest this time!

I mean it! I'm going to keep my blog up, even if what I have to say is controversial or boring. So, to kick off my re-launch, I will let the world out there know that my name is Stacie and I am an addict. Addict? Uh-oh...she's really starting with a bang, being transparent and all!

My addiction isn't a bad one, necessarily. I am addicted to reading. Have been my whole life. I know some of you out there would scoff at my literary choices. You see, I'm not a fan of the classics. I've read some, and even been changed by some of them. But I love everyday fiction the most. I know...I've found many circles of people that disclude me because I am not a deep reader by their standards. However, I love stories that tell of everyday people going through everyday challenges...the husband who leaves the wife, the child with autism, the sisters that don't get along...because most of the time, these stories end in a reconciliation of sorts. These stories have characters in them that might have a glimpse of someone that I know or will meet. So it's not that I don't want to enjoy classic literature, or read only non-fiction in hopes that my knowledge base increases...I just like to read stories that center around relationship in the here and now.

With that in mind, I will share my list. I began a list this summer of all the books I read, from May to September, just to have a record of my addiction. Also, my psychologist once accused me of being a liar because I told him I read at least 10 books a month. This proves my truth telling (so neener neener, Mr. Head Doctor). And I admit...I am not immune to reading a trashy novel once in awhile, when I don't really want to delve deep into a plot or character, but need a quick respite from real life. Don't judge. :) Starred books are ones I highly recommend.

The Last Summer (of you and me)-Ann Brashares
Back When We Were GrownUps-Anne Tyler
Look Again-Lisa Scottoline
*The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes-Diane Chamberlain
Saturday Morning-Lauraine Snelling
Noah's Compass-Anne Tyler
A Change in Altitude-Anne Tyler
*The Wednesday Sisters-Meg Waite Clayton
Stepping Into Sunlight-Sharon Hinck
South Bound-Susan Rebecca White
The Haunted Rectory-Katherine Valentine
*Secrets She Left Behind-Diane Chamberlain
*Sarah's Key-Tatiana De Rosnay
The Amateur Marriage-Anne Tyler
A Patchwork Planet-Anne Tyler
The Accidental Tourist-Anne Tyler (only read 1/4 of this)
*Digging To America-Anne Tyler
Dear John-Nicholas Sparks
Nights in Rodanthe-Nicholas Sparks
Wraith-Phaedra Weldon
Once in a Blue Moon-Leanna Ellis
Picture Perfect-Jodi Picoult
Still Alice-Lisa Genova
Her Fearful Symmetry-Audrey Niffenegger
*Belong to Me--Marisa de los Santos (one of the best contemporary fiction novels I've read in a long time)
Take Four-Karen Kingsbury
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (re-read)
Twilight (re-read)
7 science fiction type books that aren't worth mentioning
6 trashy romance novels
I re-read the first Harry Potter and Twilight

I'll answer some common questions: I don't sleep much, my house is NOT spotless, my children are NOT neglected, and we still get school done (most days). I read in the car, on the toilet, while Teddy is watching a movie...whenever I can.

So that's it. Just thought this was all share worthy, and a good kick-off to faithfully reading my blog that really no one reads.

Now, I'm off to read!!

Oh it's been so very long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! So so much has happened since my last post. Sophia nearly died, she just turned 7, we just moved, Teddy's job almost disappeared and still might, we've had more CYT shows, I've lost 26 lbs with 75 more to go...lots has happened. But, I'm up at 2am not because so much has happened and I need to write about it; rather, it's because I can't sleep. My heart is hurting and I have to write it out.


So, I've taken a sabbatical from church. Losing weight seems to have unearthed some hurts in me that I thought were taken care of, but actually were much deeper than originally thought. I can't go too in depth on sharing these hurts, as I am not sure who will read this that may have been involved in the situations. But boy oh boy, tonight is one of those nights where if I could cut out every single person in my life related to the situations that hurt me or even related to the people related to the situation, I would. Unfortunately, I'd have to cut out people that shouldn't be cut out, like say...my husband. That wouldn't do at all.

I'm just really, really struggling with separating God from His people. I'm not understanding the actions of people who are supposed to be Christ like. I'm not understanding the church. I'm feeling so angry and so hurt, so regretful that I can't take back a period of time I feel was stolen from me. And I'm feeling alone in this, like other people don't understand and don't want to understand. Like I should just get over stuff. But right now, all I can do is shut out God and stop going to church, because anything else makes me feel so angry I fear I might leave these things forever.


For those of you questioning my faith, please don't. I still love Jesus. I still worship God and marvel at His creation, and still trust that the Bible is true. I still am actively seeking His truth and His healing, and still pray that my children will have as much or more faith than I do. But I'm hurting, so deeply. And questioning the value in the last 15 years, and wondering about the purpose in church and wanting to know why my non-Christian or non-church friends are often more considerate or kind than my other ones.