Hesitation and worries

So I'm laying this out here right now, as it's a worry we've had for awhile and I could use some prayer. Please only comment if you really have some encouraging words or good advice to give, as I cannot take much more hurt right now.

We have a domino effect of problems happening in our lives right now, all starting back at the point that we bought this house in May. Although we're settled (as in, our home is messy and lived in), it still doesn't feel like home. There's a few reasons why, but for tonight's purpose, I'll leave it at that. So, we don't ever feel at home. Layer that with some severe financial stress we're facing. We're always facing money troubles, as I am terrible with finances and Teddy won't touch them. It's all my responsibility, and I suck at it. Just when we get a plan and get a fresh start, we mess it up again. This time, it's so messed up, we're looking at desperate measures. So, at this point, past doubts and struggles with homeschooling enter in. While school's been going better and we've been a bit more consistent, I am deluged daily with the knowledge that my children are behind where they could be (not should be, but could be according to their skill and potential and where I want them); that the character building and closeness to God is not happening; that I am possibly doing more damage than good in keeping them home, as my present mood has not been nurturing or patient. Yes, I know these could be lies, but I've really examined myself and I don't think they are. My oldest wants to try a school so bad, but won't say that too loudly in order not too hurt my feelings, and my two youngest don't ever want to try a school. At this point, our money problems enter in again. I am possibly needing to go back to work in order to help dig us out of trouble. Most jobs that I am qualified for (basically none since I haven't truly worked in 11 years) are during the day, or at least need you to say you're available during the day. We've been talking with a private Christian school about financial aid and registration. I've been looking at public school, and if I put them in, where would it be and would I want to do a boundary exception. Enter in the final straw...our marriage is facing some difficulties. I will not give details, and implore those of you who are close to us to please not panic and think the end is near for us. That is not the case. But, our marriage is straining under these present difficulties, and I can no longer handle the silence or the harsh words between us. I thus far have not proven to be the kind of homeschooling mom that can school the kids, clean the house, make dinner, handle the money, do taxi and volunteer service, and be a wife and maybe find time for my interests once in a while. The fact that I cannot do all these things is creating a domino effect around here. I am failing at life and something has to go. My husband has made the comment that if the kids were in school, I might find more time to actually take care of him and the house, as well as maybe work part time. And I'm still dealing with small bouts of depression, which affect my motivation, and we all know the first thing to go when we lose motivation is our housework and meals! So, if any of my homeschooling momma friends are out there, you got any suggestions? What do you do when you feel like homeschooling is ruining your marriage, if you've ever felt that way? Is it ever a good time or okay reason to throw in the towel, even though you know homeschooling is the better choice for your kids? And I'm talking about next school year, not immediately. And I know all of my non-homeschooling friends are probably laughing at me lamenting over this, but for us right now, it's a very serious problem. These problems we've been facing have overshadowed our entire lives lately, and I'm finding myself being negative about everything and not feeling like myself. I know a lot of this cannot be placed on homeschooling, rather, it's a spiritual problem at the root. But when at your wit's end and feeling all alone, what is there to be done? If anything, please pray, as we are in dire straits in many different ways around here and this is not something I would normally just come out and share with people when asked, "How are you?"

This historical day in history

So we swore in our first Black president today. The historical value of that is amazing. But other than that, there's not a whole bunch I like about the situation. I am not an Obama supporter, and as the Obama worship grows, I get more leery rather than hopeful. With that, nothing I say about today, no matter how intelligent or witty, will change the mind of any supporters and will only further discord amongst us. So, I leave it at that. But I am committed to pray for him and his administration, and I have hope that God still accomplish His work regardless of who is in office. I don't doubt God's plan...which means that for whatever reason, Obama is meant to be there. So I will pray.

What if every encounter another person had with me caused them to walk away feeling as if they were enveloped in a hug? What if my prescense warmed them to the point of feeling like they were utterly loved, enjoyed and cherished?

I've realized over the last year that what I really, truly desire in life is to be included, to not be forgotten. I want to be loved and cherished; protected and thought of. I want to be remembered and known.

Somewhere, somehow, I'm not getting this and my challenge is to be okay with the idea that the only place I may ever get it is from God. I need to be satisfied with that and I need more of Him and less of me in order to attain that satisfaction.

What if my goal in life was to make sure that every person I interacted with, starting with my immediate family, left my prescense with a feeling that they were loved, remembered, wanted, included, protected and thought of. Maybe if I gave that first, I would start to have friendships that were deeper and met these needs. Maybe my marriage would survive the valleys. Maybe people would start to include me more and think of me more. Most of all, maybe I would start to be more Christ like.

So much has happened!

Gosh, life got away with me! Since Thanksgiving (which we hosted!), tons has happened!

After waiting 1-1/2 years since losing his first 2, Ben finally lost another tooth! YAY! Madeleine had her last weekend of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and we are CYT lifers from here on out. We can't say enough positive things about our experience. In fact, both her and Ben are signed up for classes next session! Can't wait! We've been super busy with preparations for some upcoming church activities; Christmas shopping; eating out way more than we can afford; piano recitals; and usual life. I haven't had a ton of time for schooling. Or cleaning.

We met a new friend through CYT--lots actually--but one in particular hit it off with the kids and I, and we had her babysit last weekend. The kids had a blast, our house was spotless when we came home, her and the kids were asleep, and everyone was safe and settled! It was awesome--thanks Kiana!

We also just got back from getting our family pictures done. First time in 2 years we've gotten formal ones. It took 4 hours! Aunt Heidi did them, but then the disc was corrupted and we had to wait for them to recover the pictures. Then it took forever to see them, then look at them. We'd not had dinner. Finally, $108 later and it's 9:30pm with no dinner yet, and Clackamas Town Center is closing down, we drive out looking for dinner. We end up at Applebees ($.99 kids meals on Wed nights) and now I'm up, unable to sleep because I'm sick to my stomach!

Today has been a hard day and December is flying by. I'm feeling a bit random in this post and it doesn't seem to be making sense. I'm very tired.

Another milestone

Sophia has had a loose tooth since August, but just this past couple weeks it's gotten VERY loose! This week it's been hanging by a thread. Everytime Daddy tried to pull it out, it hurt too bad or just wouldn't let go! Today it's been bleeding a lot when she brushed and really hurting her. So Big Sis Madeleine decided to help things along. She got out tissue and ice, sat Sophia down to ice her gum, and went about collecting some other items. Teddy was in the middle of telling me a big story of the day when I hear "I pulled out my tooth!" Because I was so engrossed in what Teddy was saying, we didn't really hear her. She said it again and came running over with bloody tissue in her hand and a cute little 5 year old front tooth! Madeleine was disappointed because she really wanted to yank it and Ben wanted to call everyone and tell them Sophia's news! But we let her have her moment...she kept saying "I wasn't even paying attention!" because that's what I kept saying! I feel that we're hitting more and more milestones with her and each one slams the door on ever having little ones at our home again! Sigh!

But she sure does look adorable with that hole in her mouth!

Happy 10th Birthday Madeleine!

So it's 1:30am on November 14th. Ten years ago today, at this time, I was being prepped for a c-section. Twenty-four hours of labor had produced a dilation to 5cm and nothing else was happening. I was stalled. My fantastic, compassionate OB, Dr. Higgins, had gently informed me that she thinks we should throw in the towel. We gave it all we got and it wasn't getting! I even remember what she was wearing, which is an odd detail to remember. Anyway, Madeleine was born at 2:24am, healthy and happy. I didn't fare so well after surgery, which set us up for a rough beginning. But we made it through that first night...and our lives have never been the same again.

Madeleine seriously rocked our world...our expectations of birth and parenthood were so different that what the reality was...and as much as I sometimes feel like I've failed as a Momma...as much as I messed up...as hard as I tried...she's still the most awesome kid I know (her brother and sister included). From day one, she's always wanted more of me than I seem to be giving her...and lately, I've realized that instead of bemoaning her neediness, I need to relish it. Soon, she won't want to hold my hand all the time, or sleep with me, or hang out in my bathroom while I primp. She's already stopped asking me to take baths with her (besides, she only showers anymore); she no longer opens her covers and says, "There's plenty of room for you in here" (although she has a loft bed, with a cave to sleep in that I can't access); and she no longer needs my help doing her hair, picking out her clothes, or brushing her teeth. I think I'm going to try to give her as much of me as she wants, and remember to take, take, take from her, so when the day for good-bye comes, my cup will be fuller!

Madeleine is mature for her age; compassionate; sincere; honest; kind; giving; mostly self controlled; a bit bossy; and has a sense of humor that's hilarious. She is intelligent, talented, and passionate about God, piano, soccer and performing. How blessed are we to have such a great kid? So happy birthday, my sweet snuggle bug...you're 10 today and finally in the double digits!

Ten years ago today...

...at this same time, 1:24am on November 13th, 1998, I was laying in a hospital bed, trying to rest. I had the tv on low, watching news. I had a painful IV in; had eaten two turkey sandwiches; had flipped my husband off because he was snoring away on the couch and I was jealous (and I wanted him to stop snoring--and yes, I was a bit cranky and apologized later on for doing that); and had some weird gel on my cervix supposedly dilating me. In my mind, I would be pushing that baby out while listening to some fantastic mix tapes I made, with my family surrounding me. I'd have absolutely no drugs, being that I'm a strong Indian woman and can do this easily. Right? :) Uhh...things don't always happen like we want them to.

Today is the last day my oldest daughter will be a single digit age. November 14th, she turns 10. She'll be a decade old. I'm in shock and awe that it's gone so fast. We're half way done raising her, and if you consider 18 as adulthood, then we're more than halfway done. I contrast that with my friend Cindy, whose oldest son turns 18 on Monday. I met her when he was about 9 years old and Madeleine was 10 months old. So I've watched her experience the years I'm about to enter, and I see her now celebrating his "adulthood" and easing into letting go. Don't know my thoughts on that yet, I just know that life is so hard to wrap our heads around sometimes.

We have a big two weeks coming up...a surprise bd party for Madeleine on Saturday with girls sleeping over; dress rehearsal week and the run of the show she's in; Thanksgiving at our house this year; and lots of church, sports and family obligations. So if you think about me in the next few weeks, pray for us please!