Waiting on that A-ha moment

I've joined a new bible study group, on forgiveness. It's the first bible study group I've been in for awhile. Why? That's a post for another time.

I'm not too far into it, so I am still waiting for a big "a-ha" moment that I usually get when doing any kind of study like this. It'll come, I'm sure. For now, I'm just focusing on what it means to BE forgiven, as well as to forgive.

Here's the thing about forgiveness. I have a LOT to forgive (don't we all?) But it seems like the last 5 years especially have given me a lot of opportunity to forgive. Lately, instead of waking up each day and thinking, "I'm going to keep on keepin' on and try to forgive today!"...I hold it all inside. For about the last year now. I've stopped crying a lot like I used to. I've stopped caring as much. Haven't read my bible or prayed or gone to church as much as I usually do. I've become hardened. Like the unforgiveness and anger is molding me from the inside out.

So, what to do? Let it go, I know. I'm inching towards that goal, but right now I'm ignoring it.

I wonder what I'm afraid of, why I won't let the pain and anger and unforgiveness go? I think I'm waiting for that "a-ha" moment to force me to let it go; that ZEN moment (for lack of a better term), that point at which I can say, "I am one with the forgiveness, and I no longer care." Maybe forgiveness is an act of not caring, as opposed to letting go? Either way....here I sit, reading about Joseph and the awful things his brothers did to him, waiting for my moment.