Oh it's been so very long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! So so much has happened since my last post. Sophia nearly died, she just turned 7, we just moved, Teddy's job almost disappeared and still might, we've had more CYT shows, I've lost 26 lbs with 75 more to go...lots has happened. But, I'm up at 2am not because so much has happened and I need to write about it; rather, it's because I can't sleep. My heart is hurting and I have to write it out.


So, I've taken a sabbatical from church. Losing weight seems to have unearthed some hurts in me that I thought were taken care of, but actually were much deeper than originally thought. I can't go too in depth on sharing these hurts, as I am not sure who will read this that may have been involved in the situations. But boy oh boy, tonight is one of those nights where if I could cut out every single person in my life related to the situations that hurt me or even related to the people related to the situation, I would. Unfortunately, I'd have to cut out people that shouldn't be cut out, like say...my husband. That wouldn't do at all.

I'm just really, really struggling with separating God from His people. I'm not understanding the actions of people who are supposed to be Christ like. I'm not understanding the church. I'm feeling so angry and so hurt, so regretful that I can't take back a period of time I feel was stolen from me. And I'm feeling alone in this, like other people don't understand and don't want to understand. Like I should just get over stuff. But right now, all I can do is shut out God and stop going to church, because anything else makes me feel so angry I fear I might leave these things forever.


For those of you questioning my faith, please don't. I still love Jesus. I still worship God and marvel at His creation, and still trust that the Bible is true. I still am actively seeking His truth and His healing, and still pray that my children will have as much or more faith than I do. But I'm hurting, so deeply. And questioning the value in the last 15 years, and wondering about the purpose in church and wanting to know why my non-Christian or non-church friends are often more considerate or kind than my other ones.

I've been absent, on purpose (old post)

This post is from a long time ago, over a year ago. I just went to delete it, but then realized it was actually very good and just needed some discerned tweaking. It totally is an explanation of why I abandoned my blog for so long. Doesn't explain why I've come back, maybe my next post will. :)

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So, I've been missing from the blog world, by my choice this time. At first, I don't think I realized I was doing it on purpose, but looking back, I now see that I was. I'll explain why in a minute, but before I do that, I need to explain that I will actually be missing for awhile. But for different reasons than what I'm going to explain soon. You following me?

I am enrolled in Anatomy & Physiology, as well as an online Nutrition course. Both classes need to recieve A grades. I am also still homeschooling the kids. I still TA at CYT. I'm also still a soccer mom to two kids; dance mom to two kids; and piano mom to three kids. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a wife at times too. So, I'm taking the pressure off myself to do a blog entry, and then I won't feel guilty when I don't.

However, I've realized that there's another reason I'm taking a break. Please understand I'm not trying to have a poor me moment, because I have a friend who has lots of poor me moments on her blog...lots of "no one reads me so I'm just going to quit" moments, but then she keeps going. Nope, that's not what I'm doing. Here's the story. I've been writing a blog for about 4 years now, and doing this particular one for about half that time. I don't necessarily share that I write one...my husband and mom don't even read it. But, this year, a few more of my friends have started their own blogs and I got so excited to read them, only to realize they never read mine. Within weeks of their blogs starting, they were linking to each others blogs and all that fun stuff. But not to mine. I even went so far as to ask one friend if I could link to her blog on mine, partly in hopes that she would do the same. She said yes, but hasn't linked back. Silly, I know, to be upset. It's not a big deal, really. But to me, it just reminds me of another situation that, try as I might, I can never shake.

Quite a few years ago, some people that I thought were my very good friends, whom I shared life with and thought was on the path to bonding...these people started a club. Everyone who knows me well, knows that I love certain types of activities and this club revolved around a favorite activity of mine. So I got excited that my friends were doing this. But then, I didn't get invited. For a couple years, I watched them pass out certain materials for this club in front of me at church, or discuss the club plans in front of me, but never invited me in. I got asked about the club a lot by other outsiders, because it was assumed I was in it, right? I was friends with all the participants. But I was never, ever included. Even when newcomers were invited in.



I'm not sure whatever happened in that situation, I just know that it has colored my friendships since. I don't trust as easily, or share as honestly or as much. It's made me think differently about the actions of Christians and the church, and eventually wasn't the main reason we left our old church, but definitely played into that decision. I know...maybe they didn't really like me. Could be. Not everyone does. Shocker, right? :) I'm okay with it now, but it's a cross I wish I didn't bear and struggle with how to let it go.

Anyway, this blog thing reminds me of that. I know in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. All I'll say is that it hurts a little. Gives the little quickening feeling in the chest, where you can't breath as well as you wish could. Maybe I'll come back to writing this blog again, and maybe people will read it and even link to it. I don't know and try not to care, too much.

This song speaks to me right now

The Motions
by Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more daywithout
Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

What a fun weekend!!!

So we had a fantastically fun time this weekend, trying out letterboxing. We only found 1 of the 5 we tried for, but we sure did have a grand time and definitely plan to make this a regular activity!

Lately, we've been having some stirrings deep inside on church matters, so we've been taking our attendance a little lightly! So today, we decided to go to the zoo instead (yes, we brought along our saw to cut off our arm and leg!) We ended up joining again since it was cheaper in the long run. We had a great time, especially watching Sophia freak out because she loves animals so much. But I was shocked at how much prices have raised! I knew the admission cost had gone up, but even the train has skyrocketed! Last time we rode it, about 3 years ago, it was $2.25 for members to ride. Check out what we spent today...

This is per person...so multiply this by 5!

These are the same receipt, I just zoomed in for your viewing pleasure!

This was for 2 adult meals which we shared with the kids. We also bought them two elephant ears at the price of $4 each!

So, while we are glad that we bought the membership, we won't ever be riding that train again unless we ride MAX since you get a free train ride then! And we will ALWAYS bring our own food (which normally we do) and we will totally go back to the zoo just to see Sophia flipping out over all the animals!

But a message to the Oregon Zoo....I know times are tough, but please don't make the zoo accessible only to the upper class! We spent money there today that we should have spent in more responsible ways, but lots of people can't afford your prices to even get in, let alone ride the train. And eating there is just a big joke...so anyway, that's my soap box!

But we sure did have a fantastic weekend!!! :)

Trying something new

So today, we are going to try something new to our family....letterboxing! From what I can understand, it's a lot like treasure hunting. If you go to www.letterboxing.org, there's a whole bunch of information on how to do it and why and where and all that! We're super excited and hope that we don't get lost and that we find the treasure!

A little bit of piss and vinegar to top off this week...

In honor of Ben and Madeleine's fantastic piano recital today, I thought it might be beneficial to post some etiquette rules. Not that any of the people who need to know these would be reading my blog, but just in case...here they are. And since you'll most likely wonder....yes, I'm a bit frustrated. Enough so that I think next year, we might just host our own recital for our kids in lieu of the school recital.

1. A music recital is a time for properness...so if you are performing, don't wear jeans, a tank top and tennis shoes. It just looks cavalier and is so disprespectful to yourself and your audience, as well as your teacher. Of 12 kids performing, 4 dressed nice. Two of them were mine.

2. When you introduce yourself and your music, please say your first and LAST name. Also, please look at the audience and not at the ceiling, floor or turn sideways to introduce yourself. Oh, and speak up and don't slouch. The youngest kid performing was a victim of the broken microphone and he just spoke louder and made eye contact, with his sister following and doing the same. Oh yeah, they were CYT kids and happened to be MINE!!!

3. When you are not performing, don't whisper during other's performances. Especially don't continue to do it when the mother of the performing child gives you the evil eye. And don't expect respect and attention when it's your turn to play, because that mother may just be at the end of her polite rope and decide to crinkle her program a whole bunch and smack her gum loudly while you're playing. Just sayin'.

4. If you have a camera, please refrain from dropping it. It makes a loud noise and startles the pianists. If you're not using it, you could use the bag it came in; a purse; set it on the floor or even the chair next to you. And don't stuff it and the music your kid is done with into a plastic bag, especially while other kids are playing. And then please don't let your sniffling 4 year old play with that crinkly, loud, plastic bag. Thanks.

5. If you are a pianist, and you must tape or staple your music together to lay across the piano...please don't staple them together face to face like a book and still expect them to lay flat on the piano. Also, don't fold them in half or vertically and still expect them to lay flat on the piano. Oh, and please, when finished with said music, please don't throw it on the floor under your feet...it just looks sloppy.

6. We know that recitals can be boring...but really, is 45 minutes too long to sit quietly without playing a video game that makes noise?

7. If you are the lone guitar player in a group of piano players, please have your electric guitar unzipped and plugged into your amp when you come up. Ten minutes is too long for the audience to watch you set up and tune up and amp up, only to have you play 3 chords and a few notes that sound like something akin to a dying cat and a Motley Crue CD combined, and then stop and say you don't know your piece and you really wish you brought your music. Oh, and you're not a rock star yet, so don't dress like one!

8. If you say you're going to be there and you're in the program, perhaps you should show up. Or at least call your teacher.

9. If you are a parent and you want to video tape or take pictures, please do so from the side or back of the room, or from your seat. Please don't grapple with the battery and argue with your wife from the FRONT of the room next to your child while that child is playing. If you need a closer view, that is what ZOOM is for on the camera!

10. Lastly, maybe your child should actually practice prior to a recital. Because when your kid gets up there and doesn't do so well, but my kid gets up there and does fantastic....and when you come up to me and say she must be gifted to be able to play like that so young...I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to say yes she's been blessed with a gift, but please don't discount the 30-60 minutes a day she practices and the HOURS she put into her recital pieces. I'm going to say that maybe we should all work hard for something we love and not expect things to be handed to us. I'm going to point out my other child who, while not as advanced and gifted in the same way as his sister, still did great because he PRACTICED!!!

I'm just sayin'.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about our house situation. I've had a perspective change a little and the past week I had a lot of time to wallow and think. This is because I've had a sinus infection since Friday night and was in bed most of the day Saturday, Sunday and Monday. The only thing that got me out of bed Monday was a phone call from my mom-in-law, telling me that my 3 week post-partum sis-in-law was on her way to the hospital. That began a 3 day journey for me, including 2 nights at the hospital playing baby nanny while my sis-in-law had her gallbladder taken out! So, I've had lots of time to think on life and death (since I was feeling like death!); to laugh and worry; and to see a lot of other hurting people.

So here's my thoughts from a new perspective. Please share with me if you think I'm crazy or if you have better suggestions or if you like Cookie Crisp, because lately I'm addicted.

Lots of prayer has revealed to me some things. First of all, our first home was quit deeded to us and then we refinanced. We purchased it for a sinfully low price and it was all guided along for us with lots of help and not a lot of knowledge on our part. Prior to that, we'd rented the house from my parents. When things went wrong in that house, we called my parents (even when we owned it). Changing and selling that house, and then moving across town from where I'd lived almost my entire life, was an act of cutting the apron strings for me. In a lot of ways, the past year living in this house we have now has felt like my college years, when I stretch my wings and learn how to fly on my own (at the young age of 34)!

So here we sit in this house, losing it; losing the sacrifice my mom made for us; losing the 401k money we put into it; losing the tax breaks...and I am okay. When we look at our house now, we still see it as something done for us by another person. If we get another house again, it'll be something done for us by God. So as I've looked at this journey we've been on, I see good coming out of it.

Our current plan is to continue trying for the modification and looking into refinancing, but we also are going to put it on the market and try for a short sale. I have nothing to hide here...we bought the home for $242k (and it was supposedly worth $248k). We owe $230k and one estimate we've gotten on it's current value is $214k! So we're upside down....and that took us by surprise.

Anyway, all this is to say that while I am immensely stressed by the ins and outs of the situation, I am even more at peace with the possibility of losing our home because I see some purpose in the whole situation.