Today we got the call that Grandpa is probably going to be leaving us over the weekend. We knew it was coming, but still sideswipes you when the moment actually comes. So Teddy left work and went over there, while we met him there an hour later. Just in the 9 days since we last saw him, he has deteriorated ten-fold. He wasn't able to acknowledge anyone's presence. It was a bit scary for the kids. But Teddy was able to spend lots of time there today and talked to him of spiritual things, which was a conversation that had weighed heavy on Teddy's heart. So it was encouraging to be able to talk to him, even if there was no response. There's always hope that he can still hear him. Grandma is holding up well, at least when there's visitors there. From experience, I know that it's always the quiet times, the private times that are the hardest to keep the brave face on.
Ben wasn't doing well there. Of the three kids, he's the most sensitive to death. Madeleine understands it, and cries, but also gets it that it's part of life and we need to live with it. Ben thinks and feels so deeply that it's overwhelming to him. Sophia just talks about heaven and the funeral. Anyway, Ben held onto me a lot today, crying. As we were leaving, he haphazardly waved goodbye to Grandpa. I whispered to him, "Ben, this is the last time you'll be seeing Grandpa. He will likely pass away before we can come back." Ben jumped into my arms, wrapping them tightly around my neck and began to weep. He then walked over to Grandpa, held his hand and said goodbye.
Madeleine, in her knack for being a caregiver, gently rubbed his hand and said "I love you, goodbye" but she wouldn't let go for a long time.
Sophia still could only think in literal, black and white terms of funeral and heaven. At least she's holding up okay.
Teddy didn't want to leave. It is more than likely the last time he will see his Grandpa. He loves him so much, in spite of what's transpired over the last decade or what other people think. He loves him so much and has always craved approval from him. Disappointing Grandpa and Grandma has always been paramount in his mind. So saying goodbye to him today, seemingly forever, was also letting go of childhood memories that he holds dear. Of watching his world change. Of losing an icon in his life. He didn't want to let go. Needless to say, he's a bit emotional today.
Anyway, we said goodbye today to Grandpa and it was very hard. It sucks. Cancer sucks. Death sucks.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the
everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He
will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can
fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power
of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men
stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Goodbye Grandpa Kay. We love you very much.