Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Can't sleep

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I have insomnia. I have so much to do tomorrow too. We're having a garage sale this weekend and I'm not even close to being prepared. I need to sleep...right now. Not wait until 30 minutes from now and then sleep until 11am.
I've been passing time looking up old friends on Facebook. That's fun, but also bittersweet.
I've realized that the computer has made my relationships in life so much more shallow. I know a lot of people, but I don't get invited to a lot of places. I run into someone everywhere I go, but I can't tell you much about that person's life. I know people, but I don't really KNOW people. And they don't really know me. I've realized I'm this way with God. "God? Sure, He's a friend of mine." But in the yearbook of life, you won't see me at many functions with Him; I won't have any pictures from the summers at the beach or the after-football parties with Him. I'll be a friend in word only, not in action. I don't like that. Not only because it's such a waste of life and love and totally not what God desires from me or for me, but also because that is a repeat of what high school and college were really like. My kids think I was so popular because I know so many people, but really I wasn't. I never got invited to parties or group events; I was always on the outside looking in, trying to find my place to fit. People from each group thought I fit into that group over there, so didn't invite me in. But that group over there thought I was in this group next door. Etc, etc. College was a bit better, but still mostly the same. Now I see my 14 years spent at our old church was this way as well.
It's lonely. I feel lonely and I think I've felt that way my whole life, contrary to what my email address book or myspace/facebook friends list says. It makes me sad, especially because more than anything, I've always wanted to be included in the "group". As much as I want you to think I'm different and so avant garde, really I just want to be included. It seems I have LackOfDeepRelationshipitis.
Anyway, if this is what insomnia does to a person's thoughts--makes them blab on and on about personal and embarrassing insights--then I need to start taking a sleep inducer. Good grief.

No comments: