A wonderful Mother's Day...

I do not typically look forward to Mother's Day. Too many high expectations of what I should want in a collision of what I really want. So I woke up grumpy. God was faithful, however, to restore my blackened heart and remind me of why joy is so important. So the day turned out wonderful and average, just the way I like it.

Out of the mouths of babes

So, when I was a middle schooler, I had a severely low self-esteem. I was negative, critical, and thought very poorly of myself. I think I was also a pretty clingy friend; a kind of suffocating, energy zapping, joy sucking friend. I've worked hard since I was 14 to change all that, and for the most part, have found a healthy middle ground in the self-esteem and negativity department.

So, as I've shared openly before, the last 2 years have been rough. Really, really rough. As life has been changing around us, I have let myself go. REALLY let myself go. Not just my attitude, but my looks and health. I have started to fall back into that negative, critical thought process. Started to feel hopeless to change anything. Started to hate myself. Especially my body and looks. I've caught myself constantly talking about how fat I've become, how ugly my skin is, how gross my hair has gotten....all in front of my kids. Yes, I'm bigger than I've ever been. Yes, I'm trying to figure out which approach to take to permanently remedy that. Yes, I am embarrassed to go out into public lately because of my size. No, it is not a good idea to share that so openly with my kids.

So, I put on my shorts today and couldn't even get them over my bottom...the same shorts I bought last April to go to Disneyland (and they were loose)...my ever loving and ever encouraging daughter, Madeleine, saw my struggle and gave me a hug. Then she left me alone to wallow in my self pity, so I thought.

Ten minutes later, as we were heading out the door for soccer practice, she hands me a folded note. Not unusual, considering that I get about 4 notes a week from her, normally at bedtime and found on my pillow. Anyway, I open the note and this is what I read:

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. Man does not see what the Lord sees, for man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I realize that this verse may be out of context, but it turns out my 10-year-old daughter has been studying her bible at night and writing in a journal. This journal is a compilation of verses that she thinks may come in handy during certain situations. Like when your mom totally hates her body and is passing down an unhealthy body image to her kids....that might be a certain situation this would help. She knows how to better use scripture to encourage and exhort than I do, at least lately.

I wanna be her when I grow up.

I've been gone a long time

I didn't realize that it's been so long since I last posted! I've posted a few notes on my facebook page, but not here. I'll try and catch up some!

Hesitation and worries

So I'm laying this out here right now, as it's a worry we've had for awhile and I could use some prayer. Please only comment if you really have some encouraging words or good advice to give, as I cannot take much more hurt right now.

We have a domino effect of problems happening in our lives right now, all starting back at the point that we bought this house in May. Although we're settled (as in, our home is messy and lived in), it still doesn't feel like home. There's a few reasons why, but for tonight's purpose, I'll leave it at that. So, we don't ever feel at home. Layer that with some severe financial stress we're facing. We're always facing money troubles, as I am terrible with finances and Teddy won't touch them. It's all my responsibility, and I suck at it. Just when we get a plan and get a fresh start, we mess it up again. This time, it's so messed up, we're looking at desperate measures. So, at this point, past doubts and struggles with homeschooling enter in. While school's been going better and we've been a bit more consistent, I am deluged daily with the knowledge that my children are behind where they could be (not should be, but could be according to their skill and potential and where I want them); that the character building and closeness to God is not happening; that I am possibly doing more damage than good in keeping them home, as my present mood has not been nurturing or patient. Yes, I know these could be lies, but I've really examined myself and I don't think they are. My oldest wants to try a school so bad, but won't say that too loudly in order not too hurt my feelings, and my two youngest don't ever want to try a school. At this point, our money problems enter in again. I am possibly needing to go back to work in order to help dig us out of trouble. Most jobs that I am qualified for (basically none since I haven't truly worked in 11 years) are during the day, or at least need you to say you're available during the day. We've been talking with a private Christian school about financial aid and registration. I've been looking at public school, and if I put them in, where would it be and would I want to do a boundary exception. Enter in the final straw...our marriage is facing some difficulties. I will not give details, and implore those of you who are close to us to please not panic and think the end is near for us. That is not the case. But, our marriage is straining under these present difficulties, and I can no longer handle the silence or the harsh words between us. I thus far have not proven to be the kind of homeschooling mom that can school the kids, clean the house, make dinner, handle the money, do taxi and volunteer service, and be a wife and maybe find time for my interests once in a while. The fact that I cannot do all these things is creating a domino effect around here. I am failing at life and something has to go. My husband has made the comment that if the kids were in school, I might find more time to actually take care of him and the house, as well as maybe work part time. And I'm still dealing with small bouts of depression, which affect my motivation, and we all know the first thing to go when we lose motivation is our housework and meals! So, if any of my homeschooling momma friends are out there, you got any suggestions? What do you do when you feel like homeschooling is ruining your marriage, if you've ever felt that way? Is it ever a good time or okay reason to throw in the towel, even though you know homeschooling is the better choice for your kids? And I'm talking about next school year, not immediately. And I know all of my non-homeschooling friends are probably laughing at me lamenting over this, but for us right now, it's a very serious problem. These problems we've been facing have overshadowed our entire lives lately, and I'm finding myself being negative about everything and not feeling like myself. I know a lot of this cannot be placed on homeschooling, rather, it's a spiritual problem at the root. But when at your wit's end and feeling all alone, what is there to be done? If anything, please pray, as we are in dire straits in many different ways around here and this is not something I would normally just come out and share with people when asked, "How are you?"

This historical day in history

So we swore in our first Black president today. The historical value of that is amazing. But other than that, there's not a whole bunch I like about the situation. I am not an Obama supporter, and as the Obama worship grows, I get more leery rather than hopeful. With that, nothing I say about today, no matter how intelligent or witty, will change the mind of any supporters and will only further discord amongst us. So, I leave it at that. But I am committed to pray for him and his administration, and I have hope that God still accomplish His work regardless of who is in office. I don't doubt God's plan...which means that for whatever reason, Obama is meant to be there. So I will pray.

What if every encounter another person had with me caused them to walk away feeling as if they were enveloped in a hug? What if my prescense warmed them to the point of feeling like they were utterly loved, enjoyed and cherished?

I've realized over the last year that what I really, truly desire in life is to be included, to not be forgotten. I want to be loved and cherished; protected and thought of. I want to be remembered and known.

Somewhere, somehow, I'm not getting this and my challenge is to be okay with the idea that the only place I may ever get it is from God. I need to be satisfied with that and I need more of Him and less of me in order to attain that satisfaction.

What if my goal in life was to make sure that every person I interacted with, starting with my immediate family, left my prescense with a feeling that they were loved, remembered, wanted, included, protected and thought of. Maybe if I gave that first, I would start to have friendships that were deeper and met these needs. Maybe my marriage would survive the valleys. Maybe people would start to include me more and think of me more. Most of all, maybe I would start to be more Christ like.

So much has happened!

Gosh, life got away with me! Since Thanksgiving (which we hosted!), tons has happened!

After waiting 1-1/2 years since losing his first 2, Ben finally lost another tooth! YAY! Madeleine had her last weekend of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and we are CYT lifers from here on out. We can't say enough positive things about our experience. In fact, both her and Ben are signed up for classes next session! Can't wait! We've been super busy with preparations for some upcoming church activities; Christmas shopping; eating out way more than we can afford; piano recitals; and usual life. I haven't had a ton of time for schooling. Or cleaning.

We met a new friend through CYT--lots actually--but one in particular hit it off with the kids and I, and we had her babysit last weekend. The kids had a blast, our house was spotless when we came home, her and the kids were asleep, and everyone was safe and settled! It was awesome--thanks Kiana!

We also just got back from getting our family pictures done. First time in 2 years we've gotten formal ones. It took 4 hours! Aunt Heidi did them, but then the disc was corrupted and we had to wait for them to recover the pictures. Then it took forever to see them, then look at them. We'd not had dinner. Finally, $108 later and it's 9:30pm with no dinner yet, and Clackamas Town Center is closing down, we drive out looking for dinner. We end up at Applebees ($.99 kids meals on Wed nights) and now I'm up, unable to sleep because I'm sick to my stomach!

Today has been a hard day and December is flying by. I'm feeling a bit random in this post and it doesn't seem to be making sense. I'm very tired.