Saying Goodbye

September 2006

Today we got the call that Grandpa is probably going to be leaving us over the weekend. We knew it was coming, but still sideswipes you when the moment actually comes. So Teddy left work and went over there, while we met him there an hour later. Just in the 9 days since we last saw him, he has deteriorated ten-fold. He wasn't able to acknowledge anyone's presence. It was a bit scary for the kids. But Teddy was able to spend lots of time there today and talked to him of spiritual things, which was a conversation that had weighed heavy on Teddy's heart. So it was encouraging to be able to talk to him, even if there was no response. There's always hope that he can still hear him. Grandma is holding up well, at least when there's visitors there. From experience, I know that it's always the quiet times, the private times that are the hardest to keep the brave face on.

September 2006

Ben wasn't doing well there. Of the three kids, he's the most sensitive to death. Madeleine understands it, and cries, but also gets it that it's part of life and we need to live with it. Ben thinks and feels so deeply that it's overwhelming to him. Sophia just talks about heaven and the funeral. Anyway, Ben held onto me a lot today, crying. As we were leaving, he haphazardly waved goodbye to Grandpa. I whispered to him, "Ben, this is the last time you'll be seeing Grandpa. He will likely pass away before we can come back." Ben jumped into my arms, wrapping them tightly around my neck and began to weep. He then walked over to Grandpa, held his hand and said goodbye.

Madeleine, in her knack for being a caregiver, gently rubbed his hand and said "I love you, goodbye" but she wouldn't let go for a long time.

Sophia still could only think in literal, black and white terms of funeral and heaven. At least she's holding up okay.

Teddy didn't want to leave. It is more than likely the last time he will see his Grandpa. He loves him so much, in spite of what's transpired over the last decade or what other people think. He loves him so much and has always craved approval from him. Disappointing Grandpa and Grandma has always been paramount in his mind. So saying goodbye to him today, seemingly forever, was also letting go of childhood memories that he holds dear. Of watching his world change. Of losing an icon in his life. He didn't want to let go. Needless to say, he's a bit emotional today.

Anyway, we said goodbye today to Grandpa and it was very hard. It sucks. Cancer sucks. Death sucks.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the
everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He
will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can
fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power
of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men
stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Goodbye Grandpa Kay. We love you very much.

A funny thing happened on the way to the fair

Actually, it wasn't so funny, it was a bit scary! We spent a lofty Sunday morning at home, recuperating from the not-so-successful garage sale and an off-the-wall wedding reception. It was unfortunately a late night for the kids, so we missed church AGAIN! We were all packed and ready to go to the fair, we just had to take down our sale signs. I was in the house when I heard Ben screaming. I go outside to see Teddy walking him down the street, holding his arm. I immediately thought broken arm, but as they got closer, saw that it was his hand. The little man had been unable to reach a sign, so he climbed the fence. His foot slipped and he tried to stop himself by grabbing the top of the fence. Well, instead of going to the fair, we spent 4 hours at the emergency room.

This was after they'd stitched him up. After he awoke the morgue inhabitants with his piercing screams from the anesthetic needle. Poor guy, you'll notice a small patch in the middle of his pants. Let's just say he was VERY scared leading up to the stitches, and lost control a bit while being numbed! :( This picture makes me want to cry, he looks so miserable, but trying so hard to be brave!

They gave him a cool Matchbox set of cars for being so brave. Here he is outside the hospital.

Close up shot of his toy and his wrapped hand. Feeling better now that everything was done!

Garage Sale

I'm exhausted from prepping for a garage sale this weekend. My friend, Angel, and I are doing one, and my mom and her friend Jan are putting stuff in also. I wore no sunscreen and was in the hot sun all day, so now I'm burned. At least, when I'm tan, I look more Indian. I even think I sometimes look HOT when I'm tan (and I don't mean sweaty hot, I mean HOT LOOKIN'!) Yes, even us fat chicks can have our moments!

Anyway, if you're in Vancouver and you're near my house, stop by! We have lots of stuff!

Email me if you want an address.

Deep Thoughts

One more thing before I try to sleep.

My friend Angel and I both saw "Mamma Mia" this past week--awesome show, go see it. However, she mentioned wanting the soundtrack, but thinks she'll get the Broadway version so she can avoid having to hear Pierce Brosnan sing. It wasn't delightful, unless you're drunk and in an Irish Pub. At any rate, I thought that I would still get the movie version because I really liked Meryl Streep and the girl who played her daughter.

So here's my deep thought--there are those of us that would give up something we really like/want in order to avoid something we don't want and then there are those of us that will tolerate the thing we don't like/want in order to have the thing we do. I'm obviously the latter of the two. Speaking in terms of music, it's no big deal. But when I think in terms of TV shows or books or music that I allow in my home....I've realized that it can be a big deal. I think I would be better off, for example, saying no to sex on tv in our home and therefore watching no Gray's Anatomy rather than saying I'll allow a little bit of sex in so I can see the rest of the show.

I know I'm starting to not make sense so I'll cut this off now, but did I make any sense there? Or is it just a load of sleep deprived mumbo jumbo?

Can't sleep

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I have insomnia. I have so much to do tomorrow too. We're having a garage sale this weekend and I'm not even close to being prepared. I need to sleep...right now. Not wait until 30 minutes from now and then sleep until 11am.

I've been passing time looking up old friends on Facebook. That's fun, but also bittersweet.

I've realized that the computer has made my relationships in life so much more shallow. I know a lot of people, but I don't get invited to a lot of places. I run into someone everywhere I go, but I can't tell you much about that person's life. I know people, but I don't really KNOW people. And they don't really know me. I've realized I'm this way with God. "God? Sure, He's a friend of mine." But in the yearbook of life, you won't see me at many functions with Him; I won't have any pictures from the summers at the beach or the after-football parties with Him. I'll be a friend in word only, not in action. I don't like that. Not only because it's such a waste of life and love and totally not what God desires from me or for me, but also because that is a repeat of what high school and college were really like. My kids think I was so popular because I know so many people, but really I wasn't. I never got invited to parties or group events; I was always on the outside looking in, trying to find my place to fit. People from each group thought I fit into that group over there, so didn't invite me in. But that group over there thought I was in this group next door. Etc, etc. College was a bit better, but still mostly the same. Now I see my 14 years spent at our old church was this way as well.

It's lonely. I feel lonely and I think I've felt that way my whole life, contrary to what my email address book or myspace/facebook friends list says. It makes me sad, especially because more than anything, I've always wanted to be included in the "group". As much as I want you to think I'm different and so avant garde, really I just want to be included. It seems I have LackOfDeepRelationshipitis.

Anyway, if this is what insomnia does to a person's thoughts--makes them blab on and on about personal and embarrassing insights--then I need to start taking a sleep inducer. Good grief.

Does bad news really come in threes?

Well, we made it through Arlene's funeral. It was short and a beautiful day outside. The chaplain surprised the kids and I by using my comments I made in her online obituary guestbook. He summed up his message by quoting me, which was sweet but made me very uncomfortable. The kids did okay, but shortly before the service started, I found Ben on his knees in the grass, bending over face down. When I pulled him up, the poor little man was bawling! Arlene's husband came over and gave him a hug, but I'm sure it broke his heart too. So this whole week, we've kind of gotten sad at odd times.

So then last night, we receive a call from Teddy's grandma. His grandparents live in Portland and we see them about once a month. We used to see them more, as the entire family used to congregate for special events and holidays. But his grandparents had a falling out with his mom and sister about 7 years ago and then this past year with his other sister. So visits aren't what they used to be. Anyway, Grandpa had a stroke about 3 months ago, but when we saw him about 3-4 weeks ago, he was looking okay. However, I guess he's been losing weight quickly and they took him to the hospital to investigate. Turns out he has cancer everywhere in his body. They're sending him home today, hospice is coming in, and the family has been told to see him quickly.

So, we got the cancer diagnosis for Teddy's mom in May; our neighbor died of cancer last week; Grandpa will most likely die by August of cancer--I think I hate cancer. My maternal grandfather died of cancer when my mom was 13. My beloved maternal grandma died of brain cancer 8 years ago. Now this. What a hard concept to comprehend for my kids. We've especially been trying to hit hard the idea that just because Arlene died, and now because Grandpa is, doesn't mean Grandma Jinny will.

Anyway, that's our news. Cancer sucks. Next year, for sure, we are doing a team for Relay for Life--anyone want to join us?

It's been awhile...

I know it's been awhile. We've been busy with Vacation Bible Camp at our old church; Summer Jam at our new church; Horse and Day camp; Volleyball camp and soccer tournaments. However, we have the next 4 weeks off of any camps, just have swimming lessons 2x a week and one more CYT camp in August. It's a relief and definately gives food for thought for how to structure our coming school year.

Today, we're dealing with sad news. We found out yesterday that a dear friend of ours died. Her name was Arlene and she was our neighbor at the house we just moved from. I'd known her my entire life. Of my 33 years, one year I lived about 5 miles away from her. Eight years I lived 3 blocks from her. Ten years I lived 3 houses down from her. Two years I lived 2 houses down from her. Ten years I lived next door to her. Two-three years in there, I lived within 10 miles of her, but my grandma lived 3 houses down from her, so I still knew her. It was just this past 10 years, being her neighbor, that the kids and I really developed a relationship with her, though. My kids loved her. They would disappear and I'd call and call for them, only to find that they'd rode their bikes the 30 feet from our driveway to hers. Their bikes would be down on her driveway and they'd be at her door, with a picture or a flower. They loved her deeply.

Every Christmas and Halloween, the kids would get a treat from Arlene. At Halloween, it was a baggy of treats and candy. Christmas would bring tasty cookies. We were so busy this year with the house that I didn't get to see her much between Halloween and Christmas. I sent the kids over with cookies 2 weeks before Christmas, but didn't hear anything back from her. On Christmas Eve, her husband came over to let us know she was in the hospital and they thought she had lung cancer. Turns out they were right.

We didn't see much of her the next 2 months, as she was recovering and going through treatment. Then we sold our house and moved 3 blocks over with my mom. We saw her husband, but not much of her. May 1st, the kids took her some paper flowers and Sophia made her a book (with empty pages). Well, Arlene wasn't there, but Sophia left her book anyway. Arlene knew it was from Sophia and sent her a thank you card. Also in May, when we were getting ready to move here, Teddy took the kids over and visited with her a bit. Since moving here, I've been promising to go see her. But we didn't. I haven't seen her since Halloween, or thereabout. I regret that deeply. I regret making a promise and not following through. I regret not going over to pray with her. Not even a note or a card to let her know I was thinking of her. I feel terrible, seriously terrible.

My poor kids were crying so hard tonight. Ben can't process how much he loved her and misses her. Madeleine is just so sad. Sophie doesn't really understand. But I do and it hurts so bad. It reeks of missed opportunity; lost innocence; a grieving husband, sons, mother and brother. It plain sucks. She passed away on Tuesday and her service is tomorrow. Was she a Christian? Not that I know of. But she was a great lady who had a huge impact on my children and I will forever be thankful to her for that.

JORDAN, ARLENE
May 27, 1942 ~ July 15, 2008- Arlene Jordan, 66, of
Vancouver, WA, passed away on July 15, 2008. She was born on May 27, 1942 in
Olympia, WA to Paul and Ethyl Auvinen. Arlene enjoyed gardening, hiking, and
camping. She was a NASCAR fan, and all around loving wife and mother. Arlene is
survived by her husband, Wayne Jordan of 44 years; sons, Rick and Garry Jordan;
her mother, Ethyl Auvinen; and brother, Jerry Auvinen. She was preceded in death
by her father, Paul Auvinen. A graveside service will be held on Mon., July 21,
2008, 2:00 p.m. at Evergreen Memorial Gardens, Vancouver, WA.Published in the
Columbian on 07/18/2008